Encouragement--A Powerful Parenting Tool

As adults, we can look back on many factors and events that have had tremendous influences on us. In this article, I will focus on one item that has had a positive impact on my personality and approach to life. As a parent of three myself, I hope this article will prove helpful for other parents who have the incredible challenge of rearing one of God's most precious and wonderful gifts -- our children.

Encouragement is one of the greatest things we can give to our children.

It is wonderful yet sobering to bring a child into the world. For parents to give life to a human being that is born in their own image is an amazing blessing. The new mom and dad want only the best for their child. What can we do to help ensure that our children develop into the positive, productive adults that we hope they will become?

Encouragement is one of the greatest things we can give to our children. This is second only to our leading them in the sacred truth of God and demonstrating our sincere love for them. I believe that giving them proper encouragement greatly influences their approach to life and their interaction with others. Encouragement, or lack thereof, impacts their feelings of self-worth more than any other single factor in their lives.

As I reflect upon my relationship with my father, I vividly remember how he always smiled at me the first time I saw him each day. As the day progressed, and depending on what I was doing, his smile sometimes left and was replaced by a look of indifference or maybe even a frown. As a new day began, however, he always gave me a warm smile that made me feel appreciated.

One summer I remember him introducing me to his coworkers at a company picnic by saying, "I want you to meet my son." Just the way he said it felt so good. In looking back, perhaps without knowing it, my dad gave me the encouragement I needed. Though he is no longer with us, I have nothing but positive feelings about my dad.

My mother always told my two sisters and me that we could accomplish anything that we set our minds to accomplish; that we were just as smart and capable as any of our friends at school, in the neighborhood or at church. All we had to do was apply ourselves and we would succeed. To my parents' credit, I never felt beaten down or discouraged. I always felt that they loved and appreciated me and that they wanted me to be happy and to succeed in life.

Professionals in the field of parenting have long understood the need for parents to encourage their child. Notice what they say:

As we can see, the professionals emphasize the importance of giving encouragement to our children. Encouragement is a pure form of positive feedback. It is encouraging for children to hear from the individuals they love most, their parents, that they are loved and appreciated. It is encouraging to hear their mom or dad say they are proud of their efforts.

Unfortunately, many adults did not receive this type of encouragement from their parents when they were children. As a church pastor, I cannot remember how many times I have counseled individuals over the past 32 years who have told me how difficult their childhood was. Their parents never encouraged them; in fact, it seemed their mother or father only talked down to them and said negative or critical things. It seemed they could never please their parents. So many could not remember ever hearing a positive or encouraging word from their parents.

I have counseled so many adults who have told me how their mom or dad had verbally beaten them down. Their parents made them feel worthless and that they could not accomplish anything. They only had their faults pointed out to them. They were never encouraged. Even though many years had passed since their formative childhood, you could still see the hurt and downtrodden look in their eyes.

Parents should not treat their children this way. Take the time to praise them when they do right. Most of us have probably worked for bosses whose only personal communication with us was when we messed up. We only heard the negative. We were never told we were doing a good job.

Individuals who only criticize will typically defend this approach by saying, "Well, if I don't say anything, then that means you are doing OK." This approach really won't cut it, especially when we are rearing children -- our most prized possession.

Several years ago I spoke with a man in his 70s. Through tears he told me he loved his wife and children, but he could never tell them. I had known his family for many years and personally knew that he had not encouraged his children. It "just wasn't in him" to be able to express love or encouragement.

Some of you reading this article may have a similar background where giving encouragement is not in your nature. You never received it from your parents and you can't seem to give it to your children either.

I have counseled so many adults who have told me how their mom or dad had verbally beaten them down.

Thankfully we have the Holy Spirit within us that can lead us to change. At our baptism our "old man" was crucified with Christ. We became a new creation. Most of us have made dramatic changes in our lives. We can change in this area too, if we ask God for His help and if we try.

A good friend of mine in the ministry, fellow pastor Vic Kubik, once told me, "When encouragement is given, it should be encouraging to the individual who is receiving the encouragement." Encouragement is for the other person's good.

For some helpful tips on how to give encouragement to your child and some specific positive statements you can use, see the sidebars below.

We know that our Heavenly Father loves us and encourages us. Notice these four scriptures and see how God expresses His love to us through ongoing encouragement:

As parents, let's be sure to take advantage of this powerful parenting tool. Together, we should set our hearts on a course of encouraging our most prized possession -- our little ones given to us by our Father in heaven.

Ways We Can Give Encouragement to Our Children

Look for opportunities, large and small, to tell your child through word and action that you are proud of him or her. We must correct when needed, but strive to eliminate unnecessary negative comments.
Smile often at your child! This simple effort sends the message to your child that he or she makes you happy and is appreciated and loved.
Catch your child being good. Don't just take the position that he or she is supposed to be good. Let your child know that you noticed him or her being good. This is not only an excellent way to encourage appropriate behavior, but it also boosts a child's self-esteem to know that he or she is doing something right and you appreciate it.
Don't overlook the opportunities to give a pat on the back, a quick squeeze or an arm around their shoulder. These are sure ways to demonstrate your approval and encouragement.

Parenting can be the most rewarding job, but it can also be one of the most challenging. The United Church of God has compiled some of the most helpful biblical advice on marriage, family, friendship and career into a booklet called . You can download this resource or request a free copy be sent to you.

Specific Positive Statements

Here are specific positive statements that you can incorporate in dealing with your children. Realize though that children can see through insincerity. They don't like hypocrisy. They want a "straight shooter."

Your encouragement must be sincere. If it is not, it will "ring hollow" over time. You must be sincere or these comments will not reap the rich reward they can produce. Never use these messages sarcastically or you will damage their effectiveness and your child won't trust you when you mean them. Use them often, whenever they are appropriate.

I knew you could do it!
You're doing a great job!
I'm proud of the way you are sticking to this!
I know this is hard; you're really working at it!
You've made a lot of progress!
Thanks for picking up those books. You are such a big helper! I really appreciate it!
It was very nice of you to help the younger boy today; I'm really proud of you!

While it's easier to provide negative feedback than positive feedback, children need to feel loved and appreciated. Children thrive on positive attention.