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Extending Our Hand to the Grieving, Part Two
By Joan A. Osborn

Lessons from grief teach some important lessons for living.

hat August day started out overcast but its promise of rain never materialized. In fact, as we stood in the country graveyard where we were saying good-bye to our dear friend Bill* the sun even began to shine. The day mirrored many of our thoughts and feelings. The clouds seem to echo our sorrow and emptiness but the sunshine paralleled the good feelings we had about seeing other old friends again. None of us wanted to meet again in this way. The death of someone in the prime of life: someone we all valued was in many ways a wake up call. It brought for me some new lessons about grief and perhaps more importantly some lessons for living.

  1. Each new grief someone experiences opens up the previous ones. Exactly a year after my father died we lost a dear college friend who finally lost his battle with juvenile onset diabetes. I was more physically upset at his funeral than I was at my father's. But it was compounded grief I was bearing at the second funeral. It was too soon. A widowed friend told my mother she was unable to go to Bill's funeral because it was too soon after she had buried her husband. Remember grief doesn't follow a specific time frame. Reassure those suffering compound losses and be aware that you also can be hit by this compound grief.

  2. Let the grieving talk about the person who has died. Those who have suffered loss may find it difficult to speak about their loved ones, especially in the early days of loss. The day after Bill's death his wife Ann asked a friend how she had been able to cope with losing her son. The woman who had lost a son told her to talk about that person. And so they did. They talked all day about Bill. There were times of tears and times of laughter during that day. These are things that help to begin the healing.

    My profession lets me work with children in schools. I was explaining to a parent in a conference why it had been difficult for us to make connections during the funeral week. She was very sympathetic and then went on to relate how she and her fellow nurses had recently lost a co-worker to a battle with cancer. They were all still reeling to various degrees. We talked for several minutes about the people we had lost and death itself. We agreed that it was the prayers of so many that enabled them to make it through those devastating first days. We feel helpless in the face of death. We want to offer words when there are none. When you cannot find any for the family and friends say some to God. Let the family know that there are other hands helping to hold them up.

  3. It's okay to be sad. As Christians we have the wonderful surety of the resurrection. This surety does not take away the pain of loss. The Bible says there is a time to be born and a time to die. But, it also says there is a time to weep and a time to mourn. We should not be ashamed to let others even the grieving family see our own pain. As friends we have also suffered loss. In some ways this shared grief gives the family comfort. It is validation of the true loss of the individual from all our lives.

Along with these lessons on grieving came new lessons for me about living.

  1. Tell people when they have done something you appreciate -- something you feel is special. You see when Bill died I realized I never told him enough how much I appreciated him. The week before he died, Bill gave a message at church. It was the best I had ever heard him give. He was relaxed, connecting with the audience and he was convicting. I got busy and didn't tell him. Now I will have to wait.

    Sometimes it's hard to be open and natural about complimenting even when you know a person well. It can as simple as a sincere. "I liked that." or "You did a good job." So don't wait. Let people know they are valuable to you.

  2. Thank people when they help you. This also sounds simple but we often let it slip. Especially in the little things. There is a gentleman in our congregation who never fails to thank the singers when they give music during services. It is a small thing but it is a hugely encouraging thing for the singers. It lets them know that they are doing something of value for their church.

    And let's never slip in the big ones. When my dad was dying we were on the road driving from Indiana to Florida. It had been a rough twenty four hours at the hospital. The family had made the decision to turn off the respirator. My brothers sent my mother home with my sister and together the 3 of them sat vigil with my dad in his last moments in this physical life. I don't think I could say thank you enough times for what they did for me and our family.

  3. Love people sincerely and don't forget to tell them. As Christians we are to love one another as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. Sometimes this can mean sacrificing in large ways. Sometimes it just means dropping a card in the mail, opening a door, or smiling encouragement. This is a world in which the love of many has waxed cold. It isn't always "cool" to say I love you. But if we mean it there are times and places to say it.

  4. Make time for your friends. I said at the beginning of this piece that Bill's death was a wake up call of sorts. My husband and I have tried to make recommitments to old friends that we had begun to let slip through the busy cracks in our lives. The time is now. We are told in Ephesians to "redeem the time" because the world is evil. We are admonished in Hebrews not to forsake the assembling of ourselves together.

    It is easy to get sidetracked with work, school commitments, sports, hobbies, etc. and let precious time with friends go. Several of our old friends now attend different churches. But they are still our friends, they are still our brothers and sisters.

  5. Reconnect with God. He is our rock and our salvation in time of need. There are two beings in the universe who will never leave us as our physical friends and family can at their deaths. It is God the father and Jesus his son who offer comfort when there is no comfort in this world. They hear and understand every cry. They send comfort and consolation and peace that pass all understanding.

    A person who has suffered a loss may even want to talk about the death experience itself. Lynne Caine, who wrote the book "Widow", noted that Jackie Kennedy would ask people if they would like to hear about her husband and how he died. Some people thought it was bizarre. It was somewhat uncomfortable for them. For Mrs. Kennedy it was cathartic.

    Death is something we all share and need to talk about. A standard conversational question in our society is "How are you?" Most of us will answer "fine" without even thinking. Being able to say "it wasn't the best day or week you ever had and explaining why can be helpful to you and to the person you are talking to. This isn't called complaining. It's called connecting and it's part of the grieving process.

  6. Don't stop praying for comfort. There are times when you can do nothing for the grieving except pray. Several members of Bill's family related that they truly knew e with him. Let's support those who have lost loved ones -- those with precious deaths. But let's also remember to support the living.

* Not his real name.

Copyright 2001 by United Church of God, an International Association All rights reserved.


Related Information:

Other Articles by Joan Osborn
Origin of article "Extending Our Hand to the Grieving, Part Two"
Keywords: grieving comforting encouraging 

Grief:

Encouragement: Key Subjects Index
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