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For Men: Grief, and How to Deal With It
By Graemme Marshall

"A time to cry and a time to laugh, a time to grieve and a time to dance" (Ecclesiastes 3:4, New Living Translation). When the time comes for grieving, how should Christian men deal with it?

rief is the emotion and pain we feel in response to significant losses in our lives. Grief counselors list the following as some common precursors of grief:

  • Ending a relationship
  • Loss of career or employment
  • Death of a pet
  • Loss of key role, position or status
  • Loss of health
  • Loss of cherished goal or dream

But probably the most disturbing loss is the experience of bereavement: the death of a person who is significant to us.

Bereavement grief

This grief is the physical and psychological reaction to the changes forced upon us by a loved one's death. We must then find a different way of going about our lives, coping with the gap, and facing many unforeseen changes.

Bereavement is not only a major loss in itself, but it often sets off a chain reaction of other losses too:

  • Loss of income or financial security or stability
  • Loss of routine and having to adapt to new roles, tasks and responsibilities
  • Loss of a future together, or one in which the deceased would have played a major role
  • Loss of home or accommodation arrangements
  • Loss of friends and social gathering that was linked to the deceased's work or interests

Bereavement is not only a major loss in itself, but it often sets off a chain reaction of other losses too.
Grief may be felt for an extended period, even for several years. Sometimes the pain of grief intensifies during the first few months after death because not only are the realities and consequences just "sinking in," but also the support of others tends to fall away. This is often because those less affected have moved on, or those similarly affected are preoccupied with their own pain and struggle.

Grief is a journey that demands a preparedness to experience much sad emotion. It calls for courage and daring to walk a new path, and to adapt to new challenges.

Every person will grieve in his or her own particular and individual way. And there is a difference in how men and women tend to grieve. Women generally grieve more publicly, and it is helpful to understand how the sexes differ.

Women and men grieve differently

Grief is a journey that demands a preparedness to experience much sad emotion.
Women are usually very good at seeking out support for themselves. They tend to relieve their emotional pain through the open expression of it, and to verbalize it in the company of others. When women encounter difficulties with grieving, it is more often because they pay too little attention to the tasks, challenges and practicalities of restoration: attending to life changes, doing new things, and forming a new identity and new relationships.

Men exhibit differences in grieving because of dissimilar biology, brain function and hormone systems, and from the stereotype entrenched in society that "real men don't cry".

How men tend to respond to grief

They are generally not as self-caring or help-seeking as women. Men pay less attention to the initial emotional pain than women, until those around them seem "safe" and things appear "in order." Men often distance themselves from the emotional content of difficulties or threatening situations as part of the masculine trait of protectiveness toward others.

Men tend to need more time to connect with grief emotions. They often need privacy, to be alone, before facing and experiencing emotional pain. Being generally less verbal than women, men prefer to "mull things over" and "think things through."

Men tend to exhibit more anger than women. This can pose a problem for men, as people tend to be sympathetic to the subtler emotions that women exhibit and unsympathetic to men who might express anger (although God says, "Be angry, and do not sin" in Ephesians 4:26). What lies behind the anger are usually the more subtle emotions of sadness, yearning, helplessness and suffering.

Men often respond negatively to the pressure to be more public in their grieving than with what they personally feel comfortable. They usually cope through activities, action and "mulling things over," while women do this by talking and crying out their grief. Men benefit from the company of other men (or working alongside them) -- not necessarily by verbal exchanges, but just by other men being present who care without intruding.

How grieving men can best help themselves

Men can move more healthfully through the grieving process by:

  • Showing courage in allowing themselves to experience the painful emotions of grief (rather than continuing to push them under the surface)
  • Communicating clearly to others their need to be alone (to deal with their feelings in private)
  • Not shutting out others, but keeping communication open in relationships
  • Staying close to reliable friends and talking to them

Men tend to need more time to connect with grief emotions.
All who grieve, whether men or women, can take comfort that this painful emotional experience will in time be of help to others going through similar life experiences. "God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us" (2 Corinthians 1:3-4, New Living Translation).

Further reading

If you have lost a loved one and want to know when you will see him or her again, please request our free booklet .

Copyright 2010 by United Church of God, an International Association All rights reserved.


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Other Articles by Graemme Marshall
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