Information Related to "Building a Solid Foundation--Part 2"
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Building a Solid Foundation -- Part 2 By Jean Jantzen Laying a solid foundation for correct behavior is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children. Consistency of expectations and not tolerating unacceptable behaviors is a start. But we also should teach basic manners and respect towards others. Mealtime and playtime can be useful in teaching the "lost art" of etiquette.
n last month's article on child rearing we learned there is a way to lay a solid foundation that will benefit our family and our children now, in the future and on into the wonderful world tomorrow. The very first step is to take charge of the very young child, to be consistent in our expectations of what their behavior should be, and to regard unacceptable behavior as unacceptable at any age. But, we may ask, how can we find time to teach our growing children respect, responsibility and restraint in our busy daily routine? Playtime and dinnertime are perfectly suited for teaching these important concepts. According to The Emily Post Book of Etiquette for Young People, etiquette is useful "in order to make a home a livable place... Teaching us to respect the rights and the individualism of each member of the family can serve to improve the unity of the whole."
We can offset these trends by using good English ourselves, restricting television, monitoring our children's friends and reestablishing some civility in our lives. Teaching manners at the dinner table Civility comes from the word civilized, meaning "a society that has come to a high level of cultural refinement, including proper dress, manners and behavior." Civility was, for the most part, taught and practiced at the dinner table or other social events revolving around eating. Now, it seems, priorities have changed, and etiquette has taken a backseat.
I know we live busy lives now, but instead of allowing a free-for-all or eating separately, we can use the dinner hour not only as a pleasant social gathering, but also as a valuable tool to teach our children priceless and long-lasting lessons of life. Start by having them wash their hands and face, comb their hair, sit quietly, say please and thank you and take turns talking. Nomi Samson of Port Alberni, British Columbia, says teaching manners at home pays off. "The waitresses swarm around me when I take my two young boys to the restaurant. They make a fuss over my children and remark how well they behave in comparison to others." Dinner used to be a formal occasion -- a special time of the day. The table settings and atmosphere were carefully prepared. One's place at the table was always the same. Children, as well as parents, freshened themselves up from the labor of the day. Many of us today look back at the formality, the decorum, the rules and regulations of the dinner table and reject them as being old-fashioned or too time consuming. Certainly some families were overly rigid in this regard, but the pendulum has now swung to the opposite extreme.
I'm not suggesting children need to be silent at the table, but it is still good to teach listening and taking turns talking. Mr. Aller also remembers being taught as a child to "never correct adults, but just listen. I corrected them in my mind. But that was OK because it taught me not to call anyone down, especially someone older than myself." He says that remains a valuable lesson to this day. "If you tell someone where to go, you have just canceled off a possible friend." Teaching etiquette at an early age offers both children and adults freedom -- freedom to enjoy each other's company. Not only will we enjoy our meals, but we will also grow in love toward each other. Life lessons, not blind obedience
However, it's becoming common practice to hear parents sweet talk, coax, plead, cajole, warn and promise their children, until finally they find themselves yelling uncontrollably at their children in order to be heard and obeyed. Social psychologist Dr. Robert Cialdini, author of Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion notes, "We accept inner responsibility for a behavior when we think we have chosen to perform it in the absence of strong outside pressures." Rewards and preachy stories, exhortations to be good and attempts to instill certain habits may work for a while, but they won't get the child to accept responsibility for his actions, good or bad. On the other hand, if we have established a solid foundation, parents should not have to promise rewards or strong threats. Play is the work of the young Play also should not be overlooked as a tool for learning new physical, emotional and intellectual skills. Its main purpose, according to psychologist and teacher Dr. Catchpole, "is to slowly reduce egocentricity. Play is the work of the young." Play helps children learn social skills, sharing, problem solving and allows them to work through difficulties. Even the simple act of picking up toys helps teach respect and responsibility for their own possessions and others.
Take the time and effort to teach good manners, cooperation and a sense of fair play, showing tenderness toward one another. This helps develop strong family ties and love for each other. We need to learn how to live together as one family. Emily Post sums her book up nicely when she writes that consideration, whether at mealtime or playtime, "is the basis of etiquette -- insight and understanding, self-control and discipline, loyalty, and finally a sense of justice are the timeless qualities that make life rewarding and pleasant." David rejoices in Psalm 133:1, telling us, "How good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!" Recommended reading For more information on child rearing, please request or download our free booklet . Copyright 2005 by United Church of God, an International Association All rights reserved. |
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