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Helping Your Angry Child Learn Control By Linda LaBissoniere, M.Ed. Every child gets angry occasionally, but when anger, aggressive acts and negative comments become the norm, it is important for parents to take action to help their children. You can help your child learn to cope with his feelings and express anger in appropriate ways.
icole shook her head in dismay. She was at a loss on how to control her 8-year-old son Justin. He seemed to get angry very often and this worried her. That day he had gotten into a fight at school, yelled at his little sister and even kicked the dog. She sent him to his room and minutes later discovered that he had torn his sheets off the bed and knocked his lamp to the floor. "How will I handle him when he is a teenager -- and bigger than me," she wondered as she looked at Justin's scowling face. Have you ever felt as Nicole did on that very bad day? Are you at a loss as to how to help your child with his or her anger? What insights can God's Word give us in raising our children? Are you practicing loving authority in your child rearing and how can that help your angry child? Below are some questions to ask yourself and tips to guide you in helping him or her. It won't just happen
In most cases, however, angry children have just never been taught how to control this powerful emotion. One of the greatest gifts that parents can give to their children is self-control. You can teach your child self-control by giving guidelines as to the behaviors that are expected and then, with loving authority, correcting them for disobedience. This may seem harsh and not in line with what some psychologists will tell you. However, God instructs us to discipline our children. Notice Proverbs 29:17, "Correct your son, and he will give you rest; yes, he will give delight to your soul." Also Proverbs 19:18 states, "Chasten your son while there is hope." If you allow your child to have temper tantrums at a young age, you may be setting the stage for lifelong problems with anger management. Many feel that their children will outgrow their angry outbursts, so they fail to teach anger management skills. Unfortunately, this seldom occurs, and angry toddlers eventually become angry, hard-to-control teens. The best time to teach anger control is while your child is young and easily moldable.
Permissive parents are often more focused on their child's self-esteem and therefore discipline less. In many cases these children develop very little self-control, which will undoubtedly cause problems throughout their lives. Parents who are balanced give their children unconditional love, but they also set high standards of obedience and self-control by utilizing loving authority. Not only do these parents set and enforce rules, but they also listen to their children's feelings and encourage them.
Listen and help your child to understand his or her feelings Allow your child to feel angry and listen to how he or she feels. For very young children, you may even need to help them express their feelings and understand why they feel as they do. For example, if your toddler knocks down a block tower, you can help him understand and learn to cope with the frustration by stating, "I know you're angry because you knocked down your tower. I can help you build another one, or we can put the blocks away and find something else to play with that will help you feel better." In this short conversation you have helped your child to understand his or her feelings, and you have also taught a coping skill of doing something different when you are angry or frustrated. Many adults have learned to do this very thing. For example, if they become frustrated when the lawn mower won't start, they will do something else for a while. Teach your child how to respond when angered The best way to teach is to model the correct way to respond to angry feelings. If you "blow up" in anger periodically, your child will likely learn to respond the same way. You should also use actual situations as teachable moments. For example, if your son smashed his sister's dollhouse when she took his toy car, explain that it is okay to feel angry, but damaging his sister's property is not okay. You should then tell him what he should do in that situation. Offer other ways for him to express his anger.
If your child is small, it can be effective to use puppets or dolls to model the correct way to respond when angered. You also can use humor to make the example funny to your child. For older children, reading or telling a story can be quite effective. The story should model the correct way to handle frustration and anger. It is also important to teach your child how to relieve feelings of tension and anger. That can include engaging in an activity such as a sport or exercise, preferably outdoors. It may be helpful to provide physical outlets for your child, such as regularly going to the gym to shoot basketball hoops or running in the park. Older children can be encouraged to write in a journal to express their feelings. If they are angry because of what someone has done to them, teach them about writing a letter to the person, with the intention of mailing or not mailing the letter. Letter writing is a very effective tool to help children process their feelings. By putting their true feelings down on paper they are able deal with their emotions effectively. Younger children can create a picture journal to express their feelings. Set and enforce rules and guidelines with loving authority
Praise your child and reward with love and affection Make it a point to find situations when your child has successfully handled anger or a frustrating situation and praise him or her. For example, you might say, "I liked the way that you did not get mad when your sister took your toy car."
When possible, control your child's environment This would include the children that he plays with, as well as the media he is exposed to. If a neighborhood child is aggressive and angry, it would be wise not to allow your child unsupervised playtime opportunities. Also carefully monitor and limit television viewing, since it is often filled with angry and violent characters. Recent studies have shown that children can become more aggressive when they watch too much television. The American Academy of Pediatrics has stated that children under the age of 2 should not watch television at all and that older children should watch only one to two hours of educational, nonviolent television programming a day.
Being the parent of an angry child can be very stressful. You may be very disappointed that your child is prone to angry outbursts and even want to give up. Persevere for your child's sake, for it takes time and patience to help your child develop self-control. Pray for God's guidance in order to deal with your child in love and wisdom. Ask God to help you see your child through His eyes. Teach your child how to respond when he or she is angry by establishing clear rules. Lovingly discipline your child when he or she forgets or falls back into old habits. Lavish affection and attention on your child, and finally, strive to control his environment as much as possible. By employing these tips, you will help your child develop self-control and avoid a lifetime of anger-related problems. Copyright 2009 by United Church of God, an International Association All rights reserved. |
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