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Child Abuse: What Kids Are Doing to Kids By Lowell Crosby Children are hurting each other but what can be done? See how God says we should handle ourselves.
hen we hear the term "child abuse," most of us immediately think of an adult abusing a child or young person in some way, and it makes us very upset or angry. It is a serious problem today, and child abuse should be upsetting to us because of the harm, hurt and damage that is done to a child or young person. There is one type of child abuse that is very damaging, but often ignored -- how kids abuse other kids! There is a great deal of denial about this type of abuse by parents and young people alike. I want to tell you how devastating this can be -- how tragically kids abuse one another. The trauma of teasing A Kansas City Star article titled "Teasing Isn't Just Mischief" spoke of a 10-year-old boy who awoke early one morning knowing he couldn't return to school that day. "Lots of kids teased me every hour of the day," he said. "They really got me to a point where I couldn't hold it in anymore." So he emptied his piggy bank and sneaked bread, potato chips and soda out of the kitchen. "I was thinking about my parents and my dog," said the boy. It might be a long time before he saw them again, he thought. He slipped a photo of his parents into his book bag. When his mother went to check on him at 7 a.m., he was gone. He had hidden in an abandoned station wagon a few blocks from his home. The next day he was found and returned home. "I love you and Daddy," he told his mother, "but I knew you would make me go to school." The boy is not sure why the kids at school began picking on him. His mother thinks it's because he gets good grades. He, like other children who ache from school-yard taunts, is a victim of child abuse, says SuEllen Fried, a past president of the National Committee for the Prevention of Child Abuse. "It's not what adults are doing to kids but what kids are doing to each other.... There's real denial about this in society," Fried says. "For generations we have said, 'All children are cruel'" and dismissed the subject. Fried says we allow abuse to happen by writing off the name calling. Adults have to step in, Fried says, to support the victims and help children learn to empathize with the child they are tormenting. The boy went back to school the following Monday, and because of the news reports was treated better by the other children. All children aren't cruel. They just need someone to remind them how much laughter and name calling hurts. Understanding why it happens Are any of you doing these kinds of things, or have you been part of a group that does? Or are you the victim? If you are, you know how awful it is, and how much it hurts. Why do kids abuse other kids in this way? Let me walk you through some stages young people naturally go through to show you where this "peer abuse" may be coming from, and what you need to be on guard against. Young children tend to believe every single advertising claim on TV without reservation. But, as you grow older, you begin to discover that things are not always exactly as they are portrayed to be. The toy that looked great on TV, the one you just had to have, turns out to be a piece of junk. What happens is that preteens and teens naturally and normally begin to look at everything with a critical eye, especially themselves compared to those of their own peer group. All of a sudden you find yourself wanting to be and needing to look perfect. Through the parents' eyes Parents, one day your son leaves home for school, but returns home later looking like a strange mixture of Dennis Rodman, Don King and Mr. T. Why did he do this to himself? Because he is at that age, and all of a sudden his need to have a look that's right to him and his peers takes over. One day your daughter leaves home in a new outfit, only to return home wearing a mix of clothes you've never seen before, having borrowed and exchanged her own with others during the day. Why? Because at this age all at once she has the need to look "perfect." All of a sudden your children, who never got within six feet of a washcloth in their life, now stand before a mirror scrubbing their faces until they glisten. They shampoo and blow dry their hair a least once a day, and sometimes more, seeking to satisfy this need to look perfect. How it looks to teens And young people, this thing that happens to you occurs at just the time when your body is encountering all kinds of physical changes -- skin blemishes, lack of coordination, tongue-tiedness -- just when you are becoming more interested in the opposite sex. And wouldn't you know it, when you and others your age are most interested in the opposite sex, you feel you are at your ugliest and most awkward. This is a natural thing that happens to you, but in today's society the feelings of inadequacy are heightened by the models displayed in the media. Can you imagine a big pimple on the end of Brittney Spears' nose, or one of the N'Sync singers falling over a crack in the sidewalk, as you might do as you try to impress a boy or girl? Well, this is part of the reason many young people don't have good feelings about themselves, trying to equal these perfect, popular people. At this "need to be perfect" stage, young people become great flaw pickers. If one of your peers in school or around town happens to be physically different, even in the least little way, then watch out! Things are going to get rough for that person. At the first sign a kid is different, others plant a nickname on him or her -- a negative nickname. Remembering back when I was a kid, some of the names we gave to other kids in school and around town might have seemed innocent, but they were not. When you do these things to others, you are trying to make yourself look good, to look bold or macho, to impress your peers, all at some other kid's expense. You are abusing other young people, and you might be really hurting them much more than you realize, so much so that they feel angry, resentful and violent, or depressed, hopeless or even suicidal. This type of abuse can push the victims over the edge. The biblical answer The Bible explains how God wants us to act toward others. Romans 15:1 says, "We then who are strong ought to bear with the scruples of the weak, and not to please ourselves." James warned against the dangers of the tongue spewing out negative things about others (James 3:8-9) often motivated by envy and self-seeking (verse 16). Paul encourages us to "let no corrupt word" come out of our mouths and to put away "evil speaking," but instead to be "kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving" (Ephesians 4:29-32). On the other hand, when we have been mistreated by others, Romans 12:17-21 tells us to turn our anger and desire for revenge over to God -- to overcome evil with good. These are the guidelines Jesus used as a young person. Parents, if you see this being done by one of your children, don't laugh and look at it as, "Oh, it's just kids teasing and name calling." No! It's abuse! You need to stop it and show your children why it is wrong. If your child is the recipient of the abuse and name calling, don't just tell him or her to be tough and take it. This can be devastating to a child. You need to work with your child to help him or her understand the motive of the abusing child, which is often his or her need for peer approval. Young people also need to do their part. If they are part of an abusing group, they need to stop! Think about how much this sort of thing hurts others. If you are the one being taunted, abused, called hurtful names, or being abused by being left out of things, please discuss the situation with your parents. Don't just keep it to yourself. Ask for help and maybe some ideas on how to deal with it. Read Matthew 7:12, which has come to be known as the Golden Rule. Treat other people as you would like to be treated by them. This is the essence of true religion. Copyright 2001 by United Church of God, an International Association All rights reserved. |
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Keywords: child abuse teasing bullying name calling
Teens and peer influence: