Persistence Pays Off

article by Becky Sweat

Our children need perseverance whether they are tending a garden, learning to play a musical instrument, or practicing gymnastics. Here are some tips for helping kids develop stick-to-it-iveness.

When I was 13, I begged my parents to let me use a section of our field to plant a small garden. I had big plans to grow vegetables and then sell them at a roadside stand to earn money for school clothes. But a few weeks after I planted the garden, the mosquitoes arrived. The weather turned humid, and weeds started to crowd out my vegetable plants. I began thinking enviously about my friend, who was spending her summer sitting beside her family’s swimming pool.

So I decided to let the weeds take over and to give up on the garden. But then when I walked into the house to break the news to my mom, I overheard her talking on the phone to my Aunt Mary. “Becky has been working every day on her garden, even in the hot sun,” I heard my mom say. “I am sure proud of her.”

Whether my mom knew it or not, her confidence in me gave me just the push I needed to hang in there and finish the project I’d started. From that point on, I was determined to not let the weeds and the bugs get to me. I was going to keep working at my garden, and do at a good job at it. And truly, it stayed watered and weed-free the rest of that summer. Proverbs 31:28 gives us insight into this, which says, “Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.”

Stick-to-it-iveness is the quality that keeps a person from quitting even when obstacles come along and the natural instinct is to give up. For a child, this could mean practicing the piano, even if it’s the same melody over and over again. It could mean getting up early every morning to take the new puppy on a walk, even though it would be lot more pleasant just to sleep in.

Parents don’t want their kids to be quitters, but perseverance is not something that comes naturally. So how can we help our children stick it out in challenging or tough times? How can we help motivate our children to work hard to achieve important goals and not quit?

Remember how God acted with Moses when he repeatedly asked to be relieved of what God asked of him? “But Moses said to God, 'Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh, and that I should bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?’” (Exodus 3:11). And again, “But suppose they will not believe me or listen to my voice; suppose they say, 'The LORD has not appeared to you’” (Exodus 4:1). And, “Moses said to the LORD, 'O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither before nor since You have spoken to Your servant; but I am slow of speech and slow of tongue’” (Exodus 4:10). God never gave up on Moses, and, eventually, Moses was willing to go forward.

Set reasonable goals

The first step is to sit down with your children and agree on a realistic length of time for them to participate in an activity. Help kids make a commitment that is appropriate for their age. “The younger the child, the shorter the attention span and the less clear the sense of what time is about and what a time commitment is,” says Toni Potenza, associate professor of education at Roosevelt University.

For example, if you tell your 8-year-old that she can have a puppy if she feeds and walks it every day, she’s not going to fully grasp that “every day” could last 10 years or longer. But the same 8-year-old should be able to understand the time commitment for a music clinic that lasts three weeks.

Don’t expect your children to do more than they’re capable of doing. “Kids need to feel that what they’ve done is okay, but a lot of times parents have an adult standard for what they want the child to accomplish, and that is very frustrating for the child because he or she can’t do it,” cautions Potenza. So accept the fact that your 5-year-old may not sweep the floors as well as your 12-year-old.

Break tasks down

Some projects seem so overwhelming that your child may not know where to begin. When my son, Danny, was about 5 or 6, he used to let his room get so messy that it looked as though a tornado had passed through. The bed was unmade. Toy boxes were dumped over. Books were scattered. Clothes were piled all over the floor. When I would ask Danny to clean up his room, he would look at me as if I was asking the impossible.

A good way to get your child to stay with a difficult project is to break it down into smaller tasks. So rather than telling Danny simply to clean his room, I would ask him to make his bed. That didn’t seem too bad to him. Once the bed was made, Danny felt good because he accomplished something. Next, I would ask him to pick up the books, and so on. Danny was proud that he’d accomplished several tasks, and in the process, the big project was completed.

Challenge yourself

Do you have a lot of projects that you started but never finished? When was the last time you learned a new skill? One of the best ways to teach children perseverance is by taking on a challenge yourself. I have a friend who makes a point of working out on her exercise bike after her kids get home from school. Another friend does a home-study foreign language course while her children work beside her doing their own school assignments.

“Kids enjoy seeing their parents learn new skills, yet a lot of adults don’t do that. Whatever we mastered when we were 22 is what we do the rest of our lives,” Potenza says. Instead, set an example for your children. Enroll in a class at your local college and study hard. Finish the oil painting project you put aside. Get those fitness DVDs out of storage. Your children will be impressed by your determination.

Proverbs 20:11 says, “Even a child is known by his deeds, whether what he does is pure and right.” This is true of walking a godly life, but also in showing a good work ethic.

Draw out fears

In any difficult endeavor, most children come to the point when they get discouraged and want to quit. They’re afraid to keep going because they don’t want to fail. The best thing you can do in such cases is to draw out your child’s fears, says Tom Cahill, a child psychologist in LaGrange, Illinois. Many times children worry about something unrealistic, but you can put their fears to rest.

Give your children the chance to explore a variety of interests, and respect their wishes if their interests don’t always coincide with yours.
For instance, your child may be nervous about taking swimming lessons. Remind him how scared he was when he rode his bike for the first time. Ask him to tell you how it turned out. Cahill says, “Remind your child that he’s done hard things before and succeeded. Let him know it’s normal to feel scared or discouraged now and then. The important thing is to not let our fears and disappointments get the best of us.”

Be your child’s cheerleader

Let your child know that you believe in her abilities and that you expect her to succeed. Tell her that you appreciate her effort and are impressed by her determination. Your confidence and enthusiasm will be contagious.

But be careful not to overdo praise. If you say, “That’s the most beautiful picture I’ve ever seen!” every time she brings artwork home from school, your compliments won’t mean much. Instead, pick out something specific that is noteworthy: “You did a good job drawing the trees in your picture,” or “I like the way you made the clouds in your painting.” Save “That’s really terrific!” for accomplishments that really are terrific.

Know what your child is interested in

Know when a pursuit is something your child really wants to go for, versus something he or she really doesn’t have her heart in. Give some allowances for when it’s the latter. Remember: it’s a lot easier for your children to stick with endeavors when they’re truly interested in them.

A friend shared the story of when she enrolled her 8-year-old daughter, Claire, in piano lessons. “Claire had showed some interest in my brother’s piano, so I signed her up for music lessons,” my friend related. “She stuck it out for a year. The whole time I kept pushing and pushing, but she never seemed enthused. Finally I realized that I wanted her to learn the piano, but she didn’t. The following year Claire enrolled in ballet lessons, and she has kept with it for five years, never missing a class and having a ball.”

Of course, there are plenty of things that our kids will need to persevere in, whether they enjoy them or not-homework, chores, difficult classes that are required at school, a job they had agreed to do for someone, or perhaps a diet or exercise program. One way to prepare them for that is to remind your children that you too, had to persevere with challenges when you were growing up, and still do. We all have tasks we have to finish, that we’d rather walk away from.

At the same time, Potenza says it’s important to teach your kids that “perseverance is also part of doing something you do like to do, so that it’s not always something being forced on them; it’s something they willingly discipline themselves for.” In other words, allow them to learn stick-to-it-iveness not just when it’s a difficult chemistry class they have to get through, but also with endeavors they choose to do and are really interested in.

For instance, my 13-year-old, Brandon desperately wanted to play on his middle school’s football team. My husband and I told him that before we paid the fees for him to be on the team, he had to make a definite commitment (and he was certainly old enough at his age to understand a 9-month time commitment). We reminded him that even though football was something “fun” to be involved with, it would require him to get up at 6 am every day of the school year to go to a one-and-a-half hour football practice every morning before school. His coach also wanted him exercising and working out for a half hour every day at home. It was a lot of work, but Brandon endured it, and developed some perseverance in the process.

Give your children the chance to explore a variety of interests, and respect their wishes if their interests don’t always coincide with yours. My son, Brandon, wanted to play the trumpet at the start of fifth grade. A few weeks into the school year, he didn’t want to do it anymore. We knew that, but we didn’t want him reneging on a commitment either, so we had him stay with the trumpet in band class the whole school year. We did respect his wishes, though, and the next year we let him choose a computer class for an elective at school, instead of band. That was something he could excel in-and truly liked.

The bottom-line: Stay attuned to the types of activities your children want to pursue, and let them know that you’re behind them all the way. After all, their interests can be indications of God-given abilities, and you want to motivate them to make good use of the talents God has given them.