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What Are They Thinking of Me? By Becky Bennett Making a good first impression is about more than your appearance -- it's about giving!
ome was 1,000 miles away! As were all my friends and most of my family. My sister picked me up from the airport and took me to my dormitory at the college I would be attending for the next nine months. The next few days were a flurry of new people. Three roommates. Nine other girls in my dorm, fellow students in the food line at the cafeteria. New teachers. Potential bosses as I interviewed for a part-time job. The number of new people -- and the number of first impressions -- was incredible. If you have been to college or made a big move, you know what I was experiencing. But, even without going through a major move, most of us have opportunities to interact with new people -- whether it is the clerk at the grocery store, a fellow patient at the dentist's office or a new person at church. Like me, have you ever wondered what kind of a first impression you leave?
The appearance of comfort or confidence is very important. If you try to mask or compensate for a perceived flaw -- you slump because you think you are too tall, you do not smile because you are embarrassed by the gap in your front teeth -- you make yourself less attractive. Relax about the details of your appearance. We usually imagine people notice a lot more than they do. When you "look good," your appearance recedes and people can focus on your personality instead. Beyond looks In analyzing social interactions psychologists have concluded that every interaction with another person has four effects: it affects how we feel about ourselves, how we feel about that person, how that person feels about us and how he or she feels about himself or herself.
Socializing is an opportunity to give to someone else. According to Drs. Demarais and White's book First Impressions: What You Don't Know About How Others See You, there are "four universal social gifts " we can give in our interactions: appreciation, elevation, connection and enlightenment. These gifts are benefits in all types of situations -- whether social or business. Appreciation is simply showing an understanding and respect for others' positive qualities. Elevation is improving others' moods by smiling or being upbeat or humorous. Connection means finding common interests or similar experiences. Enlightenment is sharing interesting facts, ideas or trivia. All four gifts are important and needed. "A healthy balance of the four social gifts is charismatic," say Drs. Demarais and White. "On the other hand, an imbalance can be off-putting." Showing appreciation
Addressing a person by name is another way of showing interest. It "communicates that you paid enough attention to care, register and remember it...It may even be worth the effort to ask someone to repeat it or spell it" (pages 63-64). But be careful not to overdo it -- saying a person's name over and over can sound forced and artificial, as if you are trying to sell something. Elevation Since your first comments make more of an impact than what you later say, you are best to keep your comments on a positive note, at least to begin with. Check the impulse to complain or share a negative impression. (Save that for friends or family who have an interest.) You can make others feel more upbeat and positive by being perky, smiling, using positive words and having positive emotion in your voice. Keep in mind if you fail to set a positive tone, you are actually setting a negative one. Smiling, showing energy in your body language and using upbeat and positive words brings out the best in your companion. He or she will feel liked by you and, in turn, is more likely to like you. Making a connection To connect with people it is best to start with the current situation that has brought you together. Whether we realize it or not, a common custom exists for meeting new people. We begin with the current environment or situation (weather, location, how you got there). Then, we can find out whether we have mutual friends or other connections. "Engaging in this ritual helps others to connect you to their world and to feel relaxed around you," say Drs. Demarais and White (page 85).
Moving on to enlightenment After the weather, we usually move on to facts, which are usually safe and at low risk for causing offense. What can you talk about? Consider things you have seen on TV, read or been told about. Even your own observations on everyday life can be useful. Some topics, however, are not ideal for a first conversation. Heavy topics -- such as religion, politics and finances -- require knowing someone better before they're broached. On the other end of the spectrum, the commonplace details of life (traffic jams, the line at the post office, etc.) generally are not interesting enough to carry a conversation very far. Be careful you do not impart all the "enlightening." Ideally, the exchange should be balanced between both parties. However, some people like to speak more than 50 percent and others prefer to speak less. Try to get a feel for what your conversational partner's preference is and speak a complementary amount.
Only after you have warmed up with pleasantries and facts, should you move into the high-risk (but also the more interesting) area of attitudes, ideas and opinions. The reward I could have utilized some of these tips as I went off to college. However, I probably would have also asked, "What about me?" If I am always focused on giving a good conversation, when will my needs be fulfilled? Not to worry. "Paradoxically," the authors say, "the shortest route to getting what you want is to give to others first. The more you listen and connect, the more likely it is that others will return the attention" (page 25). Real, lasting friendships can be built from these initial encounters. But, even if nothing further develops, you can have the comfort you are pursuing God's GIVE way of life. Paul told Christians in his day, "Remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that He said, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive'" (Acts 20:35). In fact, putting aside your own needs and striving to meet the needs of others is following the Golden Rule. "Therefore," Christ told His disciples, "whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets" (Matthew 7:12). Copyright 2004 by United Church of God, an International Association All rights reserved. |
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