7 Ways to Love Your Enemies

This may well be Jesus' most difficult command: "Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven" (Matthew 5:44-45). Jesus implored us to love not just our friends, but also our foes.

We've probably all struggled with this. We might work or attend school with someone who is always trying to one-up, deride or demean us. A former friend might be spreading ugly lies about us. We may have a business competitor determined to build up his own operation by destroying ours. Or maybe we've come to regard certain people as enemies not for what they've done to us personally, but because they espouse contrary political or religious views in a strident and combative manner.

Loving such people is usually the exact opposite of what we want to do. The natural human inclination is to respond with animosity, engage in verbal battles, smear their reputation, ridicule them, or try to make them suffer like we have. Those of us who are less confrontational might just cut off all communication with people who trouble us and simply "not care" about them.

Yet loving our enemies is the example God the Father and Jesus Christ have set for us. Even when the world at large was an enemy of God and living in opposition to His way of life, God gave His Son, who willingly died on the cross to reconcile us all to God so we could be saved (Romans 5:10; John 3:16; John 10:11; John 10:17-18). Jesus commands us to show this same kind of love to our own enemies.

In a nutshell, to love our enemies means we are to cultivate a genuine concern for them and desire what's best for them. This is not to say we should excuse or condone wrong conduct, nor does it necessarily mean having a "normal" relationship with them if they're unwilling to change. But we are to be gracious and compassionate in our dealings with them.

Realistically, extending this kind of love to our enemies can truly be impossible if we are only looking to our limited human strengths and perspectives. We need God's help to succeed at this. We should pray that He will give us the spiritual strength to be able to love those who mistreat us and will help us to see the situation as it really is (and not clouded by personal biases). God will do this for us.

Personally, I've also found that it's helpful to reflect on specific ways we might show love to our enemies. When we know exactly what we should be doing, it becomes that much easier to love our enemies as Jesus instructed. Here are seven such practices, based on biblical precepts, we all should be following:

1. Pray for your enemies

The command in Matthew 5:44 to love our enemies is followed by the instruction to bless and pray for them in terms of seeking their ultimate well-being (not success in their antagonism). Jesus is challenging us to shift from dwelling on the harm done to us to genuinely desiring good for those who have mistreated us. When we bless our enemies through prayer, we are "standing in the gap," interceding for them, seeking God's direction and mercy for them (see Ezekiel 22:30; 1 Timothy 2:1).

Specifically, we should pray that God would lead our enemies to recognize the wrong and harm in their behavior and to repent, seeing the value in living by biblical principles. Ask God to intervene in their lives so that whatever underlying factors might be motivating them to mistreat others will be dealt with as needed.

We should want them to repent so they can learn to live according to God's precepts (resulting in blessings), and so we can have a healthy relationship with them. Prayer for enemies also improves our own attitude. It's difficult to harbor bad feelings toward others or wish them ill when we're regularly praying for them.

2. Be gracious

Matthew 5:44 also tells us to do good to our enemies. Likewise, Romans 12:21 says, "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Choose to replace any anger and resentment you may be harboring towards your adversary with acts of kindness and goodness.

This might include greeting them in a friendly manner when we see them-smile, shake hands, say hello, and be willing to make some small talk-rather than purposely avoiding them. If you observe redeeming qualities in them, sincerely compliment them when you're in their presence. Offer your support when they're clearly in need; that could mean sending a card when they're sick or taking a meal over to them. As Proverbs 25:21 says, "If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat; and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink."

Treating our enemies graciously shows we have their best interests at heart and breaks the cycle of hostility that fuels more evil. It can help thaw an adversary's cold heart, and move an enemy to change. Proverbs 25 goes on to say that in treating an enemy kindly, we "heap burning coals on his head" (Proverbs 25:22, New International Version)-likely meaning either that we melt away their hostility or induce pangs of guilt leading to positive change.

3. Forgive them

Another essential aspect of loving our enemies is forgiving them for what they've done. Think about the example Jesus set. He was betrayed and persecuted, and time and again, He chose forgiveness. Even when the Romans were crucifying Him, Jesus said in Luke 23:34, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do."

God has forgiven us of much, and we too should forgive others. Throughout His ministry, Jesus emphasized the importance of forgiveness. In Matthew 18, Peter asks Jesus: "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?" (Matthew 18:21, NIV). Jesus replied, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times" (Matthew 18:22, NIV)-or "seventy times seven," as others translate. Essentially, Jesus was saying we should just keep forgiving. Luke 17:3-4 clarifies that this is with stated repentance-though we must have a forgiving attitude constantly and not bear grudges.

To forgive is to let go of bitterness or resentment towards those who have wronged us. While we might not like what they did to us or condone wrongdoing, we are not to harbor ill will toward them or wish them harm. This doesn't necessarily mean we will be able to reconcile with them; reconciling with toxic people might not be possible if they don't show godly sorrow over what they've done. But we do need to control our attitudes toward them, ridding ourselves of bitterness, rage, anger and malice (see Ephesians 4:31).

4. Speak well of them or say nothing

Instead of speaking ill of our offenders, we should speak as well of them as we can. This is another aspect of blessing our enemies (Mathew 5:44; Luke 6:28). Remember that what we say about others behind their backs very often gets back to them. So if our enemies come up in conversations with others, note some of their good qualities-as that could pleasantly surprise them if they end up hearing about it, serving to ease the tension. It also helps us maintain a less negative, more balanced perspective.

In most cases, if we can't think of anything positive to say about someone, we should hold our tongue. This goes against common practice. We live at a time when it's considered acceptable and even therapeutic to publicly air our grievances about others. But the Bible tells us that love covers up offenses (Proverbs 10:12; Proverbs 17:9). Rather than telling others how someone wronged us, we show love by not spreading such negative information.

Of course, there are times when it's appropriate or necessary to share negative information, as even the apostles did about certain individuals. Crimes and abuse should be reported. And there could be a need to warn others of a person's bad character-though we must always be cautious in what we say. Love for enemies must be balanced with love for others we must also care about.

5. Try to understand their perspectives and challenges

If your adversaries tell you what they have against you, be willing to hear what they have to say, even if they don't communicate their complaints in a kind manner. They may bring up a valid point-a flaw in yourself you haven't really seen before. Show them you want to remedy the situation by being willing to admit and address anything you might be doing to exacerbate the conflict (compare Matthew 5:23-24).

Or if they're struggling with a lot of personal hardships and open up about it, let them talk. Really listen to what they have to say. And even if they don't open up to you, you can still try to think about some of the personal struggles they may be facing. Put yourself in their shoes. Try to understand why they think the way they do, even if you don't feel the same way.

This can fall within the instruction in Philippians 2:4 to look out for the interests of others. We all have the need to be understood. Simply listening to someone's story can be incredibly diffusing. It can make the person feel heard and validated, which can pave the way for peaceful resolution.

Moreover, sometimes when we try to understand "our enemies," we'll come to realize they really aren't purposely trying to hurt us, or maybe we're being oversensitive. I can think of situations when I felt like others were against me, but then I came to see that I had been interpreting their words or actions all wrong-that really what had been happening was a reflection of our differing personalities, backgrounds or upbringings, not that they were intentionally trying to hurt me.

Recognize also that Satan is working to confuse and mislead others just as he tries to do with you. He is the real enemy of us all-a fact that should help us to empathize with those opposing us (see 2 Timothy 2:25-26).

6. Don't retaliate

Our enemies may have committed atrocious acts against us. But if we take revenge or return bad treatment, that only escalates conflict and makes a bad situation worse. Moreover, we would be giving in to debased impulses and becoming hurtful ourselves. Romans 12:17-18 says: "Repay no one evil for evil . . . As much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men."

Rather than retaliating, Scripture says to respond to hateful, rude actions with a "soft answer" or gentle response (Proverbs 15:1), and by "turning the other cheek" (see Matthew 5:39). We should be willing to suffer wrongdoings against us, even if it seems like our enemies deserve retribution. In Luke 6:36, Jesus instructs us: "Be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful." Showing mercy can help diffuse conflict, and sometimes it's the only means of eliciting change in others. It can be a way to demonstrate to our enemies that we're truly concerned about them and aren't just focused on our own well-being.

This isn't to say that those who have committed evil acts should never be punished. Societies do need to mete out justice to prevent further wrongdoing-for the good of all, including the wrongdoers, who should not be allowed to continue in their evil ways to their own ultimate destruction. However, we should not seek personal retribution, as God in His perfect wisdom will execute vengeance on our behalf (Romans 12:19), working toward the ultimate best for all.

7. Be patient

Always remember that your enemies could change their ways. Yet it probably won't happen overnight. Give them time. A key aspect of godly love is patience (1 Corinthians 13:4). Accept where they are in their lives right now, while remembering that's not the end of the story. God will work with them on His timetable; He knows when it's best to do whatever He needs to do. We may perceive flaws in our enemies that God hasn't shown them yet. But at some point He will.

Until He does, we need to be "bearing with one another in love" (Ephesians 4:2). This means patiently enduring wrongs, provocation, annoyance and pain without complaint or loss of temper. By being longsuffering, we create space for growth and transformation, both for ourselves and for those who have hurt us.

There are other possibilities too. Showing love to your foes in the ways discussed here can help make friends out of enemies. I know numerous individuals who had clashed with each other at first, but eventually they learned to appreciate each other and became friends. Obviously that doesn't always happen. However, we should still strive to love our enemies the best we can.

We need to be patient, loving and forgiving, because that's the kind of people God wants us to be, and that's the example Jesus Christ set for us. It's the only way to a truly harmonious existence.

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