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After
my first year of college, three friends and I took a weeklong canoe
trip in the boundary waters of northern Minnesota, bordering Canada's
Ontario province. I can still picture the scene as we drove into the
parking lot of the outfitter where we arranged to rent the canoes at
the start of our adventure, loaded our canoes and paddled out into the
first stretch of water.
Over the next seven days we saw many types of water—narrow streams,
wide calm lakes, rapids full of turbulent water and occasionally lakes
with waves stirred up by the wind.
One of the hardest parts of the trip was the time we seemed to be fighting against the wind all day. The water was rough, and we had to be careful not to tip over or allow the waves to splash over the sides of the canoes while struggling against the wind. How wonderful it would have been to have had the power Jesus Christ did when He calmed the storm on the Sea of Galilee (Mark 4:35-41)!
Sadly, human relationships can be similar to a lake—calm and smooth as glass one day, then turbulent the next. Something happens to upset things, whether it's a slip of the tongue, a wrong action or some other mistake that stirs up hard feelings. The waters churn and it's "tough going" in the relationship. Often one person gets hurt or angry and the other person feels the brunt of the first one's wrath—justified or not. Proverbs 18:19 says that a friend who is offended is harder to be won than a strong city.
It's not an impossible task—but it can be a daunting one.
What can be done to calm those rough waters in a troubled relationship with a friend? How can we find our way back into smooth sailing when it comes to relationships? Much has been written about this common human problem, and the Bible has many tips to help us navigate this tumultuous territory. But it will take determined effort—the kind of effort my friends and I had to expend to make progress canoeing against a steady headwind.
These steps may be tough, but if the friendship is a good one, it's worth the effort. As psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw says about changing a relationship, "If you want different, you have to do different" (Relationship Rescue, 2001, p. 249). Here are some basic keys to calming the waters:
Humility
This is one of the toughest, yet the most important of all keys to restoring a relationship. Hard as it is to admit, the truth is that often we have a part to play in whatever went wrong in a relationship. Usually both sides believe the other person was in the wrong. Yet the truth is that seldom is the fault totally one-sided.
As long as both people maintain their pride and convince themselves that the other person bears all the blame for the problem, it's not very likely that the waters will be calmed. People are amazingly ingenious when it comes to self-deception. We want to view ourselves in the best possible light—yet God tells us that the heart is deceitful above all things (Jeremiah 17:9), which means we don't usually see things with absolute clarity. This is especially true in relationship issues.
You may have heard that the three most powerful words a person can speak are "I love you," but the two most important words in restoring a troubled relationship are "I'm sorry," spoken sincerely and in humility. The willingness to accept part of the blame—even if it seems to us to be the smaller amount—will go a long way toward soothing the hurt the other person feels.
Empathy
As we think about whatever events led up to a rift in a relationship and try to honestly evaluate where we might have contributed to the hurt, it is also good to try to put ourselves in the other person's place. "How would I feel if that were done to me?" is a good question to ask. Don't let your pride override that question by following it up with, "Yeah, but look at the worse thing that was done to me."
Focus on what the other person experienced. In this way we're following the advice God gives through Paul in Philippians 2:4: "Look for what is important to others, not just what is important to you" (Simple English Version).
Forgiveness
There is tremendous power in forgiveness. It's unfortunate that so many people don't use that power. To forgive means we relinquish our perceived right to be angry, to retaliate, to get even with someone for the wrong done to us. Colossians 3:12-13 tells us to clothe ourselves with tender feelings for others, kindness and humility and to forgive each other "as Christ forgave you."
When we think about it, any wrong done to us is tiny compared to the wrongs done to Jesus Christ—and He took all of those wrongs patiently, even asking the Father to forgive those who crucified Him (Luke 23:34). We're supposed to be imitating Him. No wonder Jesus said if we don't forgive others for the wrongs we suffer, God won't forgive us either (Matthew 6:14-15). Those words should sober us whenever we find ourselves getting upset with someone.
Prayer
Believe it or not, prayer is also a powerful tool in restoring relationships. Jesus said we're even to pray for our enemies (Matthew 5:44-45). How much more should we pray for our friends—even if we are upset with them, or they with us at the moment?
It's an amazing thing, but once we get outside ourselves, and start to pray "for" someone with whom we're upset, we can often feel the tumult within us begin to calm and smooth out. This also makes the next key easier to fulfill.
Kind deeds
Our immediate impulse when we're hurt or upset is to get even, to retaliate—to hurt the person who has hurt us. But God tells us not to repay evil for evil and to do everything we can to live peaceably with everyone (Romans 12:17-18). In fact, He tells us that when we feel someone is our enemy, we should do something good for him or her. In that way we will overcome evil with good (verses 19-21).
Following these basic keys may seem like paddling against the wind because they go against our nature. But if we follow them, we will be doing our part to calm the troubled waters of relationships. In addition, we'll have the blessing that comes from living the beatitude of being peacemakers, people whom Jesus calls children of God (Matthew 5:9). VT
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Keywords: troubled friendship friendship humility empathy forgiveness kindness
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