Information Related to "Questions and Answers - Jul/Sep 2003"
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Question: Why is it so hard to get accepted into a group of my own peers even at church activities? At every activity I have attended for youth for the past year I have felt like an outsider. I hear that we should not have "cliques," but I notice that church teens and the school teens are not much different in that aspect.
Answer: Feeling like you do not belong or are left out of events and activities is truly a frustrating feeling. While some people are content to have very few friends and spend much of their time alone, most of us desire friends and want to be included in what's happening. We like to be included in the conversation and the "action" of whatever is occurring. At our United Youth Camps we make a point of including everyone in dorm life and activities. Our counselors do a wonderful job of getting each dorm to "blend" as a unit and live that week of camp as a true team and "family away from home." If you have not attended one of our camps, we heartily recommend you do so.
This one-week experience at camp has helped many young people make wonderful friendships with peers as well as adults in the Church that last a lifetime. The Bible has a lot to say about the benefit of friendships such as, "A man who has friends must himself be friendly, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother" (Proverbs 18:24) and that friends can help us up when we're down and vice versa (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).
Sometimes people don't accept others because they don't know them very well. Mixing around and spending a little time with everyone in the group can help. Of course, some people seem to be able to make friends in just about any circumstance while others are not quite so outgoing and sure of themselves. And when someone is not outgoing and confident, it is easy to be overlooked.
Also, if someone looks considerably different or does something that somehow gives people the impression he or she is not interested in being friends with anyone else, few people will make the effort to befriend the person. Most people subconsciously know there is a risk of rejection when trying to befriend someone, and sometimes that fear of hurt will keep them from taking the steps that could result in making a good friend.
Sometimes being persistent in trying to make friends is what is needed. As hard as it may be, continue to act friendly, not frustrated, because being a downer can drive people away. Certainly you should discuss your frustrations with God. He says He is a help and support to those who are in need, such as the fatherless (Psalm 68:5). Jesus Christ even stated that while all the disciples would desert Him when He was arrested and leave Him alone, He was not really alone because He always knew the Father was with Him (John 16:32). So God is always there to help and says He will never forsake us or leave us (Hebrews 13:5).
We also encourage you to talk with someone who knows you—your parents, your pastor or another adult whom you trust in your congregation—and ask him or her to help you with the feelings of rejection. Ask the person if he or she sees anything in your behavior that might be misunderstood or otherwise be giving people the "wrong signals." The person might also be able to direct you toward one or two of the upstanding young people in your area who would be willing to befriend you and help you gain acceptance in the rest of the group.
Question: My friend and I recently got in a fight. I know that God wants us to forgive each other, but sometimes it's really hard. How can we forgive another person when we are having trouble doing so?
Answer: Your question is both profound and vital to the basic foundation of all human relationships. All of us are hurt by others at one time or another—whether accidentally or intentionally. And if we're really honest with ourselves, we will have to admit that we, too, have hurt others. Hopefully we have done so accidentally and not intentionally. It is easy for Christians to talk about the need for forgiveness because that concept is so fundamental. Yet, in real life, it is often hard to practice because of the emotional hurt we feel.
In the model prayer, Jesus Christ said to ask the Father to forgive our sins as we forgive others (Matthew 6:12). Two verses later, after completing the model prayer, He returns to the idea of forgiveness and says in verses 14 and 15 that if we forgive others, God will also forgive us. But if we don't forgive others, neither will God forgive us.
In Matthew 18 Peter asked if forgiving someone seven times was enough (verse 21). Jesus' answer in the next verse says to forgive 70 times seven—implying that we never stop forgiving. He then gives a parable about forgiveness and ends in verse 35 with the statement, "So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses."
With a concept so fundamental to Christianity, it would be easy to write a book. But to condense things a little, here are a few key points about forgiveness:
1. It's hard to do—partly because it means we give up the right to feel justified in taking revenge or "getting even" with someone.
2. Forgiving does not mean you give someone the right to injure you again (such as in cases of abuse.) This does not seem to be your question, but we mention it, lest someone wrongly get the idea that Christians have to continue putting themselves in positions to be hurt. In order for the relationship to be healthy, the other person needs to be willing to not repeat whatever the hurt was.
3. Often we are hurt by a friend and many times it is unintentional. That's where the principle of Matthew 18:15 is so important. It tells us that if our brother has done something wrong, go and talk with him. Galatians 6:1 adds that if we go to someone about something he or she has done wrong, we must be sure we go in a "spirit of gentleness." If we approach someone and figuratively poke him or her in the nose, there is almost no chance of getting the relationship healed. The situation will only be made worse. But if you go humbly to your friend and express your hurt, there is a greater likelihood of healing the relationship.
One good way of handling such situations is to use what are called "I statements" instead of "you statements." It is better to say, "When I heard that, this is how I felt" rather than saying "You did this or that to me." The former is less accusatory. The latter is like figuratively poking the person in the nose—laying all the blame for the hurt on him or her and making it harder for the person to admit you were really hurt by what was said or done. We also need to be willing to accept the possibility that we may have misunderstood or misinterpreted something in the situation.
If you wish to read more about the subject of forgiveness, here is a link to a sermon transcript titled "Living Laws that Govern Relationships".
Question: I have a friend who has started wearing all black clothes. People are making fun of her, and she supposedly told someone she is gothic. She has been a good friend, so what should I do or say to help her? Should I stop hanging out with her, because of the way she dresses, and will people judge me like that if I hang out with her?
Answer: We suggest you ask your friend why she is wearing all black. Sometimes others' intentions are misunderstood, so it is often best to ask. If she is trying to be gothic, you can explain to her your reservations about this kind of behavior. One site showing the link between being gothic and a focus on the dead and supernatural can be found at http://www.litgothic.com/LitGothic/research_frame.html. God does not want us to get involved in these kinds of things. As Deuteronomy 18:10-12 explains, "all who do these things are an abomination"—especially horrible and detestable—to God.
As a friend, perhaps you can encourage her to focus on more positive things. You can tell her why you don’t want to be involved with things gothic. We have a free booklet, Is There Really a Devil? that may be of help to you and your friend.
If your friend persists in her fascination with things gothic, we suggest you make some new friends who have similar interests as you because our friends do influence us.
Question: Is it OK to have boyfriends out of the Church? Should you try to tell them about "the way" or leave them alone?
Answer: First, you need to have as many friends as you can at your age. However, friends who are a bad influence should be avoided (1 Corinthians 15:33). Also, romance should be saved for the time in which you plan to marry. Having a relationship that awakens love before the time can be harmful, not to mention very distracting.
When it is time for you to be dating, you should date those who share the same values and have the same goals. If you make a commitment to God, He will guide you and bless you with all the rest of your life.
Question: There's a girl in my school that I really like. She's a good person, has good morals, many friends, is involved in many school activities and holds high standards for herself. The only problem is she isn't Christian like me. My question is this, how would I go about explaining to her our way of life, and why we believe it? Also, is there any way I can encourage her to get more interested in this way of life? I am praying about this but would like your advice as well.
Answer: Striving to explain what we believe to others who don't have the same convictions can be a challenge. A key is the person’s sincere desire to know and understand. The apostle Peter said in 1 Peter 3:15, "But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear."
The operative principle in the verse is the motivation of the person asking. We should be ready to give an answer of the hope (conviction, belief) that is in us—assuming the person has a sincere desire to know. If this friend of yours has such a desire, then strive to explain what you believe in a manner that makes sense to her—but accurately reflects God's Word. A recent edition of Youth United has an excellent article, "Explain Your Beliefs Without Losing Friends," that addresses how to do this.
Ultimately, God is the one who does the calling of people. That is a decision that rests with Him alone. We cannot, with our best efforts, "convince" someone of God's truth or way of life without God choosing to call that person. Christ said in John 6:44, "No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him; and I will raise him up at the last day."
It would be premature for you to assume that just by hearing about it, she would become interested "in this way of life." More than anything, it should be noted that when romantic interest gets involved in "convincing" someone about God's truth or Church attendance, the motivation to respond is clouded and often is based upon emotional involvement rather than a sincere response to God's calling.
Question: I have a relationship with a guy that I love very much. As a Christian, is it OK to kiss your boyfriend?
Answer: If you've read many of the articles about boy-girl relationships in Youth United, you probably realize we try to express God's perspective about such issues. As humans, we have the ability to think and reason. If that ability is used without taking God's instruction book, the Bible, into account, we will end up with wrong conclusions and end up living a way of life that will ultimately lead the wrong way. Proverbs 3:5-8 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and depart from evil. It will be health to your flesh, and strength to your bones."
In short, God's instructions are written because He loves humans. We wouldn't think of operating a complex piece of machinery without some instruction on how to use it. And like any good manufacturer, God has given us an "instruction book" that tells us how to live in a way that will bring the best results.
Different cultures have established various customs over the centuries with regard to kissing. For example, in Old Testament times it was customary for family members to kiss each other, much as it is in many cultures today. In fact, the first reference to kissing in the Bible is in Genesis 27:26 when Isaac asked his son Jacob to come kiss him. Many cultures today continue the practice of what might be called a "peck on the cheek" as a sign of affection between family members. Since this is recorded so often in the Bible, it is obvious God is not against this display of family closeness.
It is also fairly generally recognized that a kiss on the lips—especially a long kiss—is a part of sexual activity and tends to arouse feelings of desire for closer intimacy. Once this type of kissing begins, there is a natural progression toward wanting to touch and caress further and ultimately toward full sexual intimacy. God designed this human response for the purpose of helping bond people together within marriage. Modern sex researchers have described what they call a "pleasure bond" that is formed during sexual intimacy. They have also discovered that this bond exists only within a monogamous relationship. The Bible describes this as a beautiful part of what God desires within marriage. See Proverbs 5:15-20 for example, which warns against sexual involvement with someone other than your spouse.
When sex is used outside of marriage, as it is so often today, God calls it fornication (if the person is not married) or adultery (if the person is married). Either way it is against God's instructions. In the New Testament, the apostle Paul put it this way: "Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's" (1 Corinthians 6:18-20).
Since Christians belong to God, they are expected to keep themselves pure sexually, which means they should only engage in sex within marriage. Kissing is often the starting point for getting involved in sexual relations because once you begin, there are very powerful hormones and desires that are awakened that sometimes overpower the mind and lead people to sexual intimacy. Again, when sex is done outside of marriage, God calls it sin.
So while God does not specifically give detailed instructions about kissing, it is clear from His instructions that passionate kissing does not belong outside of marriage, regardless of our background.
If you would like to read more about God's instructions about dating and marriage, we suggest two sources. One is an article in the Youth United archives from the October-December 2001 issue titled, "Sex, Dating and You!". The other is our booklet, "Making Life Work."
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Keywords: cliques forgiving others gothic dating outside the church kissing
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