Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones

o others talk about you? Is it always the good stuff? Or do they sometimes zero in on your flaws, foibles, frailties and faults? And do you talk about others, sometimes in the same way? Telling stories, gossiping about your best friend, your mate, your mother, sister or brother seems to have started way back when we were youngsters.

Remember these words we learned as a child? "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." None of us really believed the chant. We mouthed those words as a defense against the stinging, spiteful words -- especially when the words dug deep, carving a gaping wound upon our hearts.

Yet all of us are guilty of gossiping and continue this habit as adults. Have you listened to conversation at a coffee klatch or taken note of elderly people's conversation in a seniors' complex or overheard two people talking on a bus? They are usually talking about someone else. And it's hardly ever about positive, uplifting things. Instead, talk centers about Aunt Beth and her problems with men, or how their mama abused them, or how papa drank too much, or how their daughter neglects them, or how the lady down the hall has weird taste in clothing.

Gossip is information about a person, true or false, that gets spread around. Gossip can work like the old party game Telephone or Chinese Whispers, in which the original information is distorted, changed and made much worse as it is passed on.

Families (church families, too) are especially prone to this habit as family members are easy targets. We have easy access to each other's idiosyncrasies, habits or blunders, which is why we see each other's mistakes so vividly. But we have to ask ourselves when we gossip to others, "Is what I'm saying helpful and constructive, or simply tearing down?"

I remember one incident resulting in alienation. In a phone conversation, my mother was innocently giving her opinion to my younger brother about my being too harsh in disciplining one of my children. I was not being fair, she had told him. My brother took offense and didn't talk to me for years. Of course, I had no idea why. Later, he told me about the incident. My mother had failed to tell the whole story or to say how things had actually turned out. I asked my brother why he had never asked me about it. He didn't have an answer.

This sort of thing goes on constantly in most families. Sometimes it has no ill effects, but in other cases it can be destructive enough to break up or even destroy a family. I've gossiped, too, and seen the negative consequences of talking too freely about others. It seems a natural thing to do. But, it seems, we should control our tongue and concentrate on the good things others do.

Words are powerful. As we read in Proverbs 12:18, "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing" (New International Version throughout). Or, as Proverbs 18:21 states, "The tongue has the power of life and death."

We can see an example of this in Shakespeare's Othello. The villain Iago vows to destroy the Moorish general Othello for bypassing him for promotion. Iago repeatedly makes statements that Othello's new wife Desdemona is having an affair. He does so often enough that Othello, prone to jealousy, believes him and murders his wife, only to learn moments later that Iago's words were false.

Even if you are saying the truth, it does not justify unnecessarily passing on hurtful information about someone. Remember, it's gossip when true, slander when false. Both are wrong. Gossip and slander may ruin families, break up one's marriage or separate friends and brethren.

"Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down."

According to Psychiatrist Antonio Wood, "When you speak ill of someone, you alienate yourself from that person. The more negative your comments, the more distant you will feel from the object. Say bad things about many people and your words will separate you from them." We'd be wise to listen to God's advice on gossip in Proverbs 26:20. "Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down."

Professor Nick Emler, head of the School of Human Sciences at Surrey University explains that gossip is "all to do with being a human being. You simply will not survive unless you can talk about the people you know, exchange information about them and find out more about them." He says, "Gossip, however, can be destructive and counterproductive especially when it is about you. It also seems to be necessary to embellish it a little, in the event that the topic of gossip isn't juicy enough."

We all have made errors in judgment when viewing others from too narrow a lens. When was the last time we saw someone (probably a family or church member) make a mistake, in our opinion, and then gossiped about it? It is a problem many of us have -- defining others by their mistakes, being harsh and critical in passing on information about others, instead of defining them by what is good and positive. I suppose this is why the apostle Paul has to remind each one of us to think about things that are pure and lovely, and dwell on the fine, good things in others (Philippians 4:8).

Gossiping is something that we come by naturally. Let's face it. Dialogue is what makes the world go round. We phone or meet someone and, before you know it, they or we are asking about so and so. Now conversation is not wrong, but where do we draw the line? We must learn to choose our words more carefully and remember that God is listening. The apostle Paul wisely tells us, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" (Ephesians 4:29).

Speaking ill of others is particularly bad because words, once uttered, can never be recalled. A man in a small Jewish town in Eastern Europe went around slandering the rabbi. One day, feeling bad about what he had done, he went to the rabbi to ask for forgiveness.

"Take a pillow," said the rabbi, "cut it up and shake out the feathers." The man did as he was told and then he returned to the rabbi to receive forgiveness.

"It's as impossible to repair the damage done by your words as it is to recover all the feathers," said the rabbi.

O the comfort,
the inexpressible comfort,
of feeling safe with a person.
Having neither to weigh thoughts
nor measure words;
but pouring them all right out
just as they are --
chaff and grain together --
certain that a faithful hand
will take and sift them,
keep what is worth keeping,
and with a breath of kindness
blow the rest away.

-- Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859