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Children of Divorce Aren't Doomed to Failure By Cecil E. Maranville Are children of divorce destined to be drawn into a "social black hole" of drug abuse, promiscuity and their own failed marriages? In spite of strong pressures to the contrary, the encouraging answer is "not necessarily."
ne of the preeminent values of the Christian community is that marriage should last a lifetime. As Jesus said, "what God has joined together, let not man separate" (Matthew 19:6). Because Christians live in a society that appears intent on loosening and compromising this value, they are understandably defensive about the subject of divorce. They often appropriately speak in favor of the permanence of marriage and against divorce, citing the benefits of the former and the bane of the latter. Nonetheless, divorce occurs often, and when it does, the consequences are far-reaching, not only for the adults involved, but especially for the children. "Over 40% of American marriages will end in divorce and more than 50% of the children will live in a separated or divorced family prior to the age of 18. And, although divorce is trying for everyone, children suffer the most" ("Protecting Children from Divorce," www.truemanlaw.com/protecti.htm, page 1). Of course, Christians should say nothing that could be construed as encouraging the current trend to choose divorce. On the other hand, should not Christians find some way to encourage the children, who are involved in the divorce through no fault of their own?
Statistics can be viewed two ways In 1989, psychologist Judith Wallerstein released a report that demonstrated how divorce can bequeath lifelong negative repercussions on the children involved. She recently released a follow-up report, a 25-year study of the impact of divorce on 130 children from 60 middle-class families.
She finds the now adult children of divorce tend to have:
Some Disagree Some authorities object to the negative approach taken by Ms. Wallerstein in her 1989 report. In The Good Divorce, researcher and family therapist Constance Ahrons wrote: "Although Wallerstein accurately reports that two-fifths (41%) of the children were doing poorly, she nevertheless focuses almost exclusively on this minority... Why don't we hear about the majority, the almost half of her sample who came through without scars?" (ibid., page 2)
Praising Wallerstein's study for its value, Judith Primavera adds that her own study of a group of 80 adolescents and young adults from divorced families showed positive results. These young people "did not show signs of any major difficulties; they were doing well in high school in college. They did not show any major signs of depression" (ibid. page 2). Ms. Primavera is a psychologist at Fairfield University in Fairfield, Connecticut. Author Ashton Applewhite opines, "Wallerstein's study is invaluable, but it is wrong to extrapolate that divorce invariably dooms children to a lifetime of unhappiness" (ibid.). Choices for children of divorce "Children of divorce are not destined to have emotional problems later" ("Kids in divorce," Robert Lovinger, New Bedford Standard Times, Oct. 1, 1995, page 1). What factors make the difference between those children whose life stories provide statistical grist for the mill of negative reports and those children who lead successful lives? That is what I would like to focus upon here; it is not to imply support for divorce, but to supply support for those captured in its net. Almost all of those who counsel children of divorce stress the need to reassure the child that the parents' divorce is not his or her fault. They also stress the point that the child could have done nothing to prevent it.
McClain, himself a child of divorce, is well acquainted with the loss suffered by children. It is important that these children understand they will have emotional repercussions, but that there are adults trained to support and encourage them as they go through the grieving process. Natural responses to their loss can include "lying, oppositional behavior, underachieving at school, sabotaging relationships, and not taking responsibility for their actions" ("Helping Children of Divorce & Adopted Children with Emotional Problems," Dr. Michael M. Katz, http://www.helpforkids.com, page 1). Dr. Katz points out that the emotional problems these children experience cause them to not respond well to typical disciplinary measures. "Children learn [how to overcome these problems] much quicker if they can see, feel and experience what is being worked on. If these problems are not worked on and resolved in childhood and adolescence, they will adversely affect adulthood relationships, including relationships with spouses and children" (ibid.). Children need to be able to talk It is potentially damaging to attempt to shut off or deny the grieving process. "Children should know that their feelings are normal, but don't tell them what their feelings should be. 'Tell the child, "You may feel sad or mad or worried, or your tummy might hurt," ' suggests Mary Bettley, a licensed clinical social worker and family therapist at New Bedford Child and Family Service... The goal is to convert emotion into words rather than acts" (Lovinger, page 1). "The biggest problem that many children--especially teenagers--have is that they are afraid to open up, when in fact that is exactly what they need to do. Whether it is to a counselor or friend or teacher, it isn't good to bottle up emotions because one day you will explode. In time, talking about what you're going through will help you get into the next part of your life" (McClain, page 3).
"A Kid's Guide to Divorce" says, "All feelings are acceptable." The article acknowledges that some may have difficulty talking with a parent about feelings and counsels children to "find someone else to talk to, maybe a teacher or neighbor or grandparent, and talk about how you feel. It's tough to let it out, but it really can help" (http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/divorce.html, page 2). Children need not stumble when parents divorce There is no arguing that God designed the marriage union to last a lifetime. In addition, no argument can stand against the Creator's own words that, although divorce was later permitted, "from the beginning it was not so" (Matthew 19:8). That is, divorce flies in the face of the essential design of the family unit. When people live contrary to the way their minds, emotions and spirits were fashioned by their Maker, there cannot help but be negative consequences for all involved.
God's thoughts continue unbroken in Exodus 20:6 (translators divided the text into verses) reflecting His nature and His inclination to enable all humankind to live successful lives--"but showing mercy to thousands [of generations], to those who love Me and keep My commandments." Is one generation doomed to reap the crop sown by the one that comes before it? Do parents set in stone what will happen to and with their offspring? Of course, parents have a profound affect on the future happiness and the future challenges of their children. However, they cannot take away their children's chance to make good.
God's answer could be paraphrased, "Absolutely not! I give all a chance to stand or fall on their own decisions, their own life choices. Children do not have to pay for the mistakes of their parents." The decision depends on how well they apply God's Word in their lives. The prophet Ezekiel pointed out this timeless truth when he wrote: "Yet you say, 'Why should the son not bear the guilt of the father?' Because the son has done what is lawful and right, and has kept all My statutes and observed them, he shall surely live" (Ezekiel 18:19). Children of divorce are not doomed to failure! Resources for adults and children Recommended reading for adults includes "Focus on Kids: The Effects of Divorce on Children," an eight-page publication produced by Human Environmental Sciences in the state of Missouri. The information is presented for five age groups: infants, toddlers, preschoolers, early elementary, preteens and adolescents. For each age group there are three segments: "What the child understands," "Possible child reactions" and "Strategies for parents." As the introduction explains, "children often find themselves caught in an emotional whirlpool... Instead of protection, they need support and reassurance. This guide will help you understand the stress that children often feel when their parents divorce" (http://muextension.missouri.edu/xplor/hesguide/humanrel/gh6600.htm, page 1). Another practical aid is titled "Parent Guides to Help Children Deal with Divorce," by Dr. Robert Hughes, Jr. of the Department of Human Development & Family Science at Ohio State University. Introducing his eight-booklet series, Dr. Hughes writes, "We believe that children in all types of families can live happy and healthy lives" (www.hec.ohio-state.edu/famlife/divorce/pguides page 1). In addition to the two-page overview introduction, the eight titles are: "Helping Children Feel Good About Themselves," "Helping Children Understand Emotions," "Helping Children Cope With Loss," "Helping Children Deal With Anger at Friends," "Helping Children Manage Anger at Their Parents," "Helping Children Get Along With Friends," "Helping Children Learn About Kindness" and "Helping Children Adjust to Changes." A third resource for children, particularly teens, is "Your Parents Will Be Crazy for a While: It Gets Better," by Thea Joselow and Beth Joselow (http://www.divorce-online.com/articles/f32177.html.) It's humorous at the same time as it meaningfully addresses how teens can successfully deal with the emotional issues of divorce. Copyright 2003 by United Church of God, an International Association All rights reserved. |
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