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Hooking Up and Losing OutA growing number of American college women are "hooking up" with college men, seeking out sexual encounters with no strings attached. What are they looking for—and what are they getting? They profess a deep spirituality, so why are they rejecting religion?by Cecil E. MaranvilleEarlier this year, a blockbuster book was published about the sexualization of American college students. Donna Freitas, assistant professor of religion at Boston University, authored Sex and the Soul after conducting a nationwide survey on this issue. The book project was an outgrowth of the class she teaches on dating. Her report and her analysis offer a sobering insight into today's America—and what it portends for tomorrow's marriages and families. Dr. Freitas found that nearly all college youth assume that every other college student is sexually active. This way of thinking puts tremendous pressure on an age group that wants to be liked and wants to fit in with its peers. It's the primary reason that an increasing number of college women are aggressively pursuing college men to "hook up." "Hookups are defined as physically intimate encounters occurring outside long-term relationships" (Elizabeth Redden, "Sex and the Soul," Inside Higher Ed, 2008). "A hook-up is a brief sexual encounter between two partners who don't necessarily know each other before and who don't necessarily want to know each other after. And, it's free" (Harvey C. Mansfield, "Hook-Up or Shut Up," The Wall Street Journal Online, April 29, 2008, p. A11). Oh, no, it's not free! That's part of what Dr. Freitas discovered through her research. She also learned from the testimony of many students that this increasingly common behavior isn't making either the women or the men happy. It leaves them all degraded and dissatisfied. Hooking up now part of today's cultureHooking up has virtually become a culture, a way of life for American colleges. Publisher's Weekly calls it a "hypersexualized culture," telling of theme parties "in which young women may dress up as whores, maids or schoolgirls while their male counterparts are powerful CEOs, millionaires or professors...[placing] all the power in the hands of men" (Review of Sex and the Soul,www.publishersweekly.com/article/CA6534280.html). It raises concerns on a number of levels to learn that young adults would think and act in this manner. No in-depth study is necessary to realize that youths come to college along a highly sexualized pathway, having watched thousands of hours of TV, movies and video games that are saturated with sexual themes. Commonly, they include the image of an aggressive female, who dresses, walks and talks provocatively even from preschool age! (Hence the name "prostitots" for preteen girls who are totally immersed in pop culture.) College students are living away from their parents' restraints and under administrators who don't forbid or discourage sexual encounters. These administrators seem more interested in not being accused of discriminating against men or women than they are in providing moral leadership for students. In addition, liberal professors openly promote sex without boundaries in the name of social liberty. These circumstances present powerful temptations to students to give in to their natural sexual drives. Not surprisingly, college men and women are confused. Are they burning their way through sensual appetites simply because they can? Actually, that's not what they set out to do. Freitas' research revealed that women are looking for relationships; that they choose sexual encounters in the hopes of finding someone to date, as strange as that might sound. Also not a surprise is the fact that hooking up isn't proving to be a positive way to discover a wholesome dating partner! The women in American colleges eventually want to find a man with whom they can settle into a lasting marriage that produces happy and healthy children. The women seem oblivious to the fact that their chosen method will make it extremely difficult for them to realize their hopes! Wanting spirituality but rejecting religionsAnother revelation in Freitas' research was the discovery of a deep desire within these same college students for spirituality. Hence, the last part of the book's title, "...and the Soul." Wouldn't you think that spiritually minded young people would exercise restraint, saying no to sex outside of marriage? The book reports that students at evangelical colleges by and large think this way. But not students of secular or even Catholic colleges (Boston University, where Dr. Freitas teaches, is a Catholic school). There is an enormous disconnect between their strong sense of spirituality on the one hand and having no sense of boundaries about sexual behavior on the other. Student after student told Dr. Freitas that religion doesn't provide them with any guidelines for the issues they face. By "religion," they mean organized or structured religion, which they equate with telling them what is wrong and not what is right. They want to hear more than just "Don't do that." Positive guidanceListen! Here is an "organized religion" (World News and Prophecy is published by a religious organization, the United Church of God) that tells you God created sex for good! He made it to be highly pleasurable, not for the sake of satisfaction alone, but to help bind male and female together in an enduring marriage relationship. Before you say, "There you go again, telling me that sex is only for marriage," consider this: Wanting spirituality, marriage and family, while rejecting any boundaries about sexual behavior, just doesn't work. It's as unrealistic as wanting to experience the rush of skydiving and to eventually land safely, but without the restraints of wearing a parachute. It's exciting only for a short while. But there is a way to have what you want: The companionship of a strong relationship with someone of the opposite sex, marriage, family—and sexual intimacy. Don't reject religion merely because many people misrepresent it or fail to live it as they should. True religion has much good to offer in the way of guidelines about the challenges that life presents. We have three rich resources to offer you: First, our booklet Marriage and Family: The Missing Dimension. You'll discover that marriage has a profound spiritual significance and that the Bible shows the way to achieve this objective, from friendship to dating to courtship. The second is our magazine for young adults, Vertical Thought. The good and the bad of Facebook and MySpace, what girls need to know before marriage, what guys need to know before marriage, self-esteem or self-worth—these are just a few of the topics covered in recent issues. Additionally, Vertical Thought offers a weekly commentary written by young Christian men and women on current issues that they and their peers face daily. And there are online features unavailable in the print edition, which you can check out at www.verticalthought.org. The third resource is Beyond Today television programs and podcasts that address the toughest challenges today throws at us. Two recent programs are on safe sex and stopping porn addiction. Check these out at www.beyondtoday.tv. You may be surprised to learn what's in the BibleIn addition, the Bible offers leadership where today's institutions fail to do so. For example, consider the counsel the book of Proverbs lends on the issue of whether women ought to hook up with men. Here is a composite of a sexually aggressive woman described in chapters 2, 5, 7 and 22. (These descriptions were written as advice to Solomon's son and were contrasted with "wisdom," also personified as a woman. God does not have a double standard—men are also expected to save sex for marriage, and women should avoid sexually aggressive men.) Silky words of flattery drip from her lips. She chooses her clothing in a way that reveals her sexuality enough to tease the interest of the man she wants. She projects an air of recklessness, of not being bound by convention. The last image she wants to convey is that of a wife or mother. She can be found hanging out wherever the action is, eager to party. She kisses provocatively, sending clear signals of sexual interest. And she blatantly says, "I'm prepared for sex. I want you to join me!" (I hope I don't offend anyone who is unfamiliar with the Bible. Please read these chapters, and you'll see how plainly God speaks to this issue!) These same chapters speak of the downside of such an approach to sex. Here is a composite of the problems a woman would face. (Men making these choices face similar consequences.) She forsakes the companion of her youth and forgets the covenant of her God. She is unstable. Her behavior leaves her with bitterness, instead of satisfaction. She's crossed a line of trust; passed a boundary, which should make any man ask if she could be trusted to be faithful as a wife. Her choice results in much pain. Instead of drawing her into a lasting relationship, her choices draw her into a quicksand of grief. She is a seducer, and parallels with a harlot are obvious. She is, in a word, immoral. Some say that "forsaking the companion of her youth" might mean that this is a married woman. But "companion of her youth" might also be a poetic reference to the husband she hasn't yet married. That is, by pursuing sexual encounters, she is striking a powerful blow at her future marriage relationship, inflicting damage on it. Forgetting the covenant with her God bears more discussion. One telling discovery Dr. Freitas made was in the language used by students she interviewed. They spoke of "the walk of shame," referring to the long walk to their dorm after a night of hooking up, feeling guilty about and regretting their choice. Women also told of struggling with their sense of the lack of God's forgiveness for their behavior. They need to know that there is hope. Wanting forgiveness is the beginning, but they also need to change their thinking and their behavior. Discover the way out of bad choices, the way to forgiveness as well as the way to true spirituality through another of our publications, WNP Related Resources
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Keywords: hooking up college students sex and youth morality spirituality
Sex, premarital:
