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Living With Siblings
by Becky Sweat
Even though they share a room, Jennifer, 15, hasn't spoken to her sister, Nicole,
in more than a week. "Nicole is always taking my clothes and wearing them without
asking," Jennifer complains. "Last week was the last straw. I found my
new sweater tossed in the laundry room, and it had a big stain on it. When I asked
Nicole about it, she acted like she had no idea what I was talking about."
Ryan, 16, says he's tired of his younger brother, Sean, 13, hanging around when his
friends are over. "He's such a pest," Ryan says. "Every time my friends come
over, Sean turns into my shadow and wants to do whatever my friends and I are doing.
I wish Sean would find some friends of his own and leave me alone."
Sources of Conflict
What makes siblings get on each other's nerves? Lack of privacy is one factor.
"When living in a family there is generally a lack of privacy for everybody,"
says Dr. Clifton Saper, Ph.D., a family counselor in Elk Grove, Illinois. "That's
not usually a problem for young children, but, as kids hit adolescence, privacy becomes
more of a issue."
Maybe your brother eavesdrops whenever you make a telephone call. There may be nowhere
to go for peace and quiet when you need to do your homework. Perhaps your sister
sees nothing wrong with invading your bedroom closet and taking your possessions
without asking.
Age differences have a part to play. "The difference between a 16-year-old and
a 13-year-old in interests, capabilities, freedom and activities can be huge,"
says Dr. Peter Goldenthal, a family counselor in Devon, Pennsylvania, with a special
interest in sibling rivalry. "Typically, older siblings want to differentiate
themselves from the family, so they're not that interested in hanging around with
their younger brother or sister."
Tim, 16, says he just doesn't think he has much in common with his 12-year-old sister.
"My little sister, Emily, keeps bugging me to play games with her, and she acts
all hurt and upset when I say I've got other things to do," he says. "But
I just got my driver's license, and my friends from school want to go places with
me, so what can Emily expect?"
Competition and Fairness
Siblings who are close to each other in age often view each other as rivals and
may compete with each other for friends and popularity, academics and athletic accomplishments.
"My sister, Kelly, is just a year younger than me, and it seems whatever I do
she does the same," says Amanda, 17. "When I decided to try out for the
lead in the school play and Kelly found out, she decided to try out too. When I took
up tennis, Kelly also learned to play. She seems bent on proving to me that, even
though she is a year younger, she can still do anything I can and better."
Another cause of sibling conflict is perceived unfairness. "One sibling may
think the other is getting more than his or her fair share of attention, privileges,
space or other perceived limited resource," says Dr. Charles Thompson, professor
of counselor education and counseling psychology at the University of Tennessee.
There may be only one car or computer at home, and you think your brother gets to
use it a lot more than you do. Or maybe you feel your parents are tougher on you
than they are on your younger brother or sister.
"The older sibling is the first to enter high school, to ask for a later curfew
and to drive a car," says Dr. Mary Halpin, an adolescent counselor in Deerfield,
Illinois, "and typically parents are more cautious with firstborns because they're
inexperienced having an older teen, and so their rules are stricter.
"Then, when the younger sibling comes along, the parents are usually more relaxed
with the high-school scene, and so they allow the younger one more leeway, and the
older sibling thinks that's unfair."
Making the Relationship Work
There are bound to be minor tiffs now and then, but there don't have to be--and
shouldn't be--frequent blowups and tension. Relationships with your brothers and
sisters should be supportive and strong. Here are some suggestions for improving
the relationship you have with your brother or sister and becoming better friends:
- Change your perspective. If your younger sister says, "How
come you always have time for your friends but you never have time for me?,"
before you get defensive or angry ask yourself some questions. Is it possible that
the statement is not criticism but really a way of saying "I care about you"?
See if you can understand what your sibling is trying to get at rather than immediately
replying with a negative comeback. Challenge yourself to try to understand what's
going on in your brother's or sister's life.
If you have younger siblings who follow you around, realize they're not trying to
make your life miserable. "What usually happens is that younger siblings tend
to idolize the older siblings, and that's why they want to follow in their footsteps,"
Dr. Saper says. "They very often see him or her as a role model."
Understand that your younger sibling is so pesky and doing everything you're doing
because he looks up to you. Try to find some ways to include your younger sibling
in your activities every once in a while and he will feel less need to pester you
for attention.
- Don't compare yourself to your sibling. You may look at your brother's abilities and think to yourself, "It's not fair; he's better than I am at everything." But realize he may be thinking the same about you. Everyone has talents, and no one will succeed in everything all through life. Let your siblings shine in their own areas of strength. Rather than wish you had the same strengths and abilities as your brother or sister, look for your own talents and strengths and work on developing those.
- Give your sibling some space. If you are sharing a bedroom
with your sister, sit down with her when you're both calm and come up with a system
of rules for the room which both of you can agree on. "For this to work, both
siblings have to be mature, sensitive and willing to negotiate and make compromises,"
Dr. Goldenthal says.
Make it a rule that you will not borrow each other's things without asking. Set aside
a time for quiet time each night so you can get your homework done. Allow each sister
to have some of her own wall decorations. You might want to designate certain areas
of the room as being one girl's. Talk about how you will handle situations when your
friends are over and you want to talk with them in your room. Once you agree on your
rules, stick to them.
- Build positive interactions. Rather than always focusing on resolving
conflicts all the time, ask your sibling to take part in some kind of fun, noncompetitive
activity with you.
Go to a movie or take a walk together. Spend several hours at the park or pool. Treat
your sister or brother for a sundae at the ice-cream shop. Give yourselves a chance
to do something enjoyable and positive with each other so you're not always quarreling
and getting on each other's nerves.
- Look at the long term. During your teen years you may have
interests that are quite different from those of your younger siblings, and life
with them may seem intolerable at times. Try to look at the big picture. Realize
that, no matter how frustrating life with your brothers and sisters can be right
now, it's not always going to be that way. "Many adults who are close to their
brothers and sisters will tell you they didn't get along with each other growing
up," Dr. Thompson says.
Chances are, your siblings will be the ones you turn to for help in your adult years.
Unlike friends who come and go throughout your life, your siblings are always going
to be your siblings.
With patience and understanding on both sides, you might find that your brothers
and sisters are a good source of support and advice. The Bible even tells us that
"a brother is born to share troubles" (Proverbs 17:17, Revised English Bible).
Granted, it's no fun when your little brother reads through your diary or your sister
helps herself to your clothes. It may seem hard to believe, but years from now as
adults you and they will look back at your teen years and laugh about the stunts
you used to pull on each other. For the present, try to have a sense of humor and
apply some of the tips in this article. If you do, things are bound to get better.
Sidebar: Tips Toward a Truce
You and your brother or sister might not be on the best of terms. Maybe you had
a big fight and neither of you has taken the steps toward a truce. While it may not
be easy, you need to talk things out so that you can be on cordial terms again. Here
are some suggestions:
- Plan a time to sit and talk. Rather than barging into your sister's room and yelling at her, knock on her door and ask if the two of you can talk at a certain time. Choose a time to talk after you both have had time to think rationally about the situation and are calm.
- Listen. Make it a rule that each of you will get five minutes'
uninterrupted time to talk about your concerns while the other person listens carefully.
You can flip a coin to see who goes first. Listen with an open mind and try to understand
your sibling's point of view. Your brother or sister may have an entirely different
perspective on the situation.
Listening is an underrated, but vital, skill. Without listening, you'll find it hard
to communicate. The Bible gives some excellent advice on how we can get along better:
"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (James 1:19, New International Version).
- Choose your words carefully. Give yourself time to think
about what you want to say before you open your mouth to speak. Don't name-call,
criticize or fault-find or bring up the past. Start your talk with something like,
"I'm unhappy about what happened between us, and I would like things to be better,"
rather than, "You're a pain in the neck." Stick to the here-and-now and
the issue.
Put into practice the biblical advice: "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh
word stirs up anger" (Proverbs 15:1). You'll likely see communication improve dramatically
when you put this into practice.
- Use "I" statements. Talk from your own point of view by making "I" statements: "I don't think you're aware of what you're doing here" or "I don't think you realize how much this is bothering me." Avoid making statements that begin with "you": "You did this . . ." or "You always . . ." "You" statements tend to be accusatory and put the other person on the defensive.
- Know when to get an adult involved. If you are getting nowhere one on one, suggest that a third person step in to help the two of you get the problem solved. Choose an adult who can remain neutral and one whom you both trust, such as one of your parents, an aunt or uncle or a young adult at church whom you both like.
--Becky Sweat
©1999 United Church of God, an International Association
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Keywords: siblings getting along with siblings conflict with siblings relationship with siblings teens parenting
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