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Whatever Happened to the Family Meal? By Becky Sweat Can eating together improve relationships in your family? With a little effort and planning our mealtimes...it just might.
can remember few evenings growing up when we didn't eat dinner together as a family. Our 6 p.m. gathering was the "glue" that bonded five very different people together. Dinner was the time for slowing down, sharing stories, discussing the day's events and talking about tomorrow. We'd laugh, we'd listen, we'd encourage each other.
For many years it was like that for most American families. Today moms and dads both spend full days at the office, take night classes to get their M.B.A.s, and work weekends to meet deadlines. Kids have after-school jobs, go to cheerleading practice and play in soccer matches. We rarely eat at home and even if we do, our meals are the microwave kind, eaten alone and in shifts. According to the Food Marketing Institute, just 40 percent of American families eat meals together, and then, no more than two or three times a week. Is that bad? Is the family meal worth saving? Or is it destined to become a thing of the past, something left for "Leave it to Beaver" and "Waltons" reruns? Nutritional reasons alone make the family meal worth saving. Kids left to themselves to find something to eat are likely to choose a diet of toaster pastries, potato chips and frozen pizza. When parents present kids with a variety of foods at regular mealtimes, they better their chances of developing good eating habits in their children.
But perhaps most important, the family dinner gives family members a chance to reconnect with each other after a long day at school or work. "Families need good, quality time together and shared meals are a great way to accomplish that goal," says Barbara James, an associate professor of Family and Consumer Sciences at Ohio State University Extension. "If you don't spend regular time together, family members grow apart. They begin to feel more like roommates sharing a house together rather than members of the same family." Clifton Saper Ph.D., a family psychologist in Evanston, Illinois, says family dinners are very worthwhile, as long as the interaction is kept positive. "The family dinner is the place to report on what you're doing, what you've been up to, what you're thinking. But sometimes the whole focus is on manners and 'Eat your vegetables' and then the meal becomes a negative experience for both the parents and the kids," he says. "But if parents can get beyond that, if their focus instead is on open communication and creating an atmosphere that's relaxed and comfortable, then the meal is going to help strengthen family ties." Here are some suggestions for restoring this endangered tradition and making mealtime a positive family experience: Get everyone involved After a long day at work, making dinner may be the last thing Mom wants to do. James says a solution is to make dinner a family project. "The whole family can be in the kitchen together, one person setting the table, someone else doing the stir-fry, another making a salad, and everyone can help clean-up afterwards," she says. Not only does this take the load off Mom's shoulders, it's also a good opportunity for communication and for teaching children how to cook. If your child is a fussy eater, getting him or her involved with cooking has an additional benefit. "Trying new foods is more palatable for the child if the child has helped prepare that food. A child is more likely to try creamed spinach if he had a part in stirring the sauce," James says. You may want to set aside one day a month when your teenage children are totally in charge of the meal. Let them plan the menu, put together a shopping list, go to the grocery store and cook the food. Your kitchen may get messier than you like, but remind yourself this is a good way to get your teens excited about family meals. Turn off the television You may think your kids will hate you if you tell them there will be no t.v. during dinner, but assure them you are going to abide by the same rules yourself. If there is a favorite television show which comes on during the dinner hour, be willing to tape it with your VCR to watch later, maybe while the family eats dessert. It's not bad to watch t.v. during dinner "on occasion," just don't make it a part of your routine, James says. "You could make it a family tradition that one night a month you rent a movie and eat dinner in front of the television," she suggests. "Afterwards, you discuss the movie as a family. "What did you think of the ending? "How do you feel that family could have handled the situation better?" Choose movies appropriate for family discussions such as "Fiddler on the Roof," "Little House on the Prairie" and "Our Town." Take phone messages It never seems to fail, but the minute you sit down for dinner is when the phone starts ringing. If you have an answering machine, let it record messages for you during mealtimes so you can eat your dinner without interruptions. Or you may want to assign one family member each meal to answer the phone if it rings during dinner. That person's job would be to say something like, "We're eating dinner right now. Would you mind calling back in about an hour?" Create a warm atmosphere The family meal is not the time for disciplining, lecturing, putting pressure on family members or discussing controversial issues. Conversation should be light, happy and upbeat. Some families have a different person each meal be responsible for bringing in a funny joke, story or cartoon to keep the atmosphere light. "Family meals are a good time for telling your children how much you appreciate and care about them. Bring up your kids' positive qualities and let them know you think they're neat," James says. Show your children you're proud of their accomplishments. "Boy, you really did a nice job on that science project," you might say. "Wow, your report card was really great this time." Don't think you have to fill every moment with conversation. Your children are bound to have days now and then when they don't feel like talking. If you try to force them to talk by playing "20 Questions," you will make the atmosphere tense. Let conversation come naturally and give your children time to open up when they feel comfortable. Give everyone a chance to talk "What happens in a lot of families is one or two people dominate the dinner conversation, typically the oldest child," Saper says. "This person feels really good because he has all these listeners, but for the others who can't get a word in edgewise, it's not fun." He says a solution is to have one family member each meal be designated as the chairperson. The chairperson makes sure everyone has a chance to get their "two cents" in. If someone has been talking too much, the chairperson might say something like, "Look, you've had your chance. Now let's hear from somebody else." If the conversation topic is something only a couple people are familiar with, leaving most of the people out, the chairperson's job would be to steer the talk to broader issues. Be creative Prime rib and baked potatoes may sound wonderful to you and your spouse, but your children may be less than excited. Be creative with your menus. Get some input from your kids to see what they'd like to eat. Backyard cookouts and picnics in the park are enjoyable meal alternatives for the summer months. Try ethnic food themes. One night everything you serve might be German and another night might be Italian or Chinese. Fondues, making mini pizzas together and Mexican dinners with plenty of tortilla chips and salsa are also fun, and they slow mealtime down, allowing for more time to talk. If your evenings are booked solid, get together with the family for after-school snacks, late-night desserts or Sunday brunches instead of dinners. If you're not much for cooking, pick up a giant submarine sandwich at the sub shop and a ready-made tossed salad at the grocery store. Or buy some croissants, sliced meats and cheese, lettuce and tomatoes, and arrange everything on the table assembly-line style. What matters most is that the family gets together, not that it has to be at dinnertime or everything you serve has to be homemade. Use family meetings If an occasional mealtime is the only time you see your kids, you may be tempted to unload your frustrations at the dinner table. But if you jump on your teen with something like, "I've been angry at you all week for not taking the laundry down," you will put your child on the defensive and turn the family meal into a big gripe session. "Save problem-solving and serious family discussions for family meetings," Saper says. "If one of the kids brings up some kind of complaint during dinner, maybe he can't sleep because there's too much noise coming from his brother's bedroom every night, this is a good time for him to be heard but then tell him you'll discuss the problem later on at a family meeting." Build family traditions
By creating family traditions, you give your child a sense of unity and stability for the present, and memories he'll carry with him the rest of his life. Traditions can be simple, like every Saturday morning you have blueberry pancakes or on Friday nights you have banana splits for dessert. Maybe after church your family always has a formal dinner with the good china, candles and a fresh flower centerpiece. Some families begin their dinners by going around the table, each person choosing a poem or verse from the Bible to read. Another enjoyable mealtime activity is called the "Red Plate" tradition. "This is an early American custom in which a red plate (or any specially-colored plate) is set at the place of the family member who has had a very special day, such as a birthday or good grade in school," James says. "You do not need to do it every meal. Maybe you'd just do it on a weekly or monthly basis or whenever something exciting happens to someone in the family." Lifestyles may have changed a lot in the last generation, but the importance of the family meal is one thing that has remained constant. Make shared meals a tradition in your household. Give your children warm, family memories that hopefully someday, they can pass on to their own children. Copyright 1999 by United Church of God, an International Association All rights reserved. |
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