Information Related to "I Am a Guilt Addict"
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I Am a Guilt Addict By Janet Treadway Some guilt comes from doing something that is really wrong. But too often we fall into the trap of feeling guilty for everything! Especially saying no...
s I walk up to the podium to tell my story, I look around the room at the many different faces. Mothers with worried looks on their faces, doctors, lawyers, used-car salesmen and even pastors are a part of this group that I am about to speak to. I notice people looking at their watches and pacing back and forth. What is missing from their faces is peace and calm. The people in this group are people who are trying to live a good Christian life. People who go out and work very hard, and give much of their extra time to family, church and community. Besides having those things in common, we all share another thing that plagues us and robs us of peace of mind. We are guilt addicts. Many of us are plagued by this from the time we realize that we have a conscience. So here I am, ready to give my confessions of guilt, naming all of the things that I feel guilty about (or most of them) from the time I get up in the morning to the time I close my eyes at night. As I reach the podium, I immediately feel guilty when I look over the crowd and notice a man I had forgotten to reach out and say hello to. "Stop it, Janet," I remind myself. "This is why you are here. Janet, you are here to learn to regain more peace, to relax, to not beat up on yourself over everything. To overcome being a guilt addict!" A testimony to guilt As I regain control over my guilt, I begin to tell my story. It started when I was a little girl and was yelled at a lot about everything. I was called horrible names, placed into dark closets for not eating my oatmeal. Smacked in the face over anything that upset my dad. I was pounced on for everything I did. I can't remember when anyone told me I was a good girl or how special I was. So I worked harder to get people to love me.
Then I went home to my real parents when I was 14. My real father could be very loving, but most of the time he was very demanding and violent, as he had been when I was a little girl. I lived in fear every day when I was home with my parents. I tried once again to be very good and to please my parents, but it was not enough to stop the violence that was inflicted upon me.
I even came up with ideas to serve more in the Church. I had many projects going at one time: the church bulletin, managing editor of a teen newsletter, social committee, information table, organizing potlucks--all on top of a job and family. I was working myself to death, but I still could not say no. If I did, I felt guilty. Sound familiar? Yes, we should serve and be givers, but there is a balance. I did not have balance because of feeling guilty if I said no. It also made me feel loved and important when I was pleasing people. It seemed the only time I felt like a good girl was if I was working night and day in service to the Church and people. If there were conflicts (and there are with any project that you are involved with), most of the time I would feel guilty--feel that it was my fault. Maybe I could have handled it differently. Probably I was the one who did something wrong. There are always people more than willing to help you along in feeling that guilt. It took away some of their guilt and responsibility if I blamed myself and felt guilty.
Where's the peace? There was none because my life was filled with guilt over everything! Can you relate to any of these things? Because you are the group of people in the room that I am addressing my story to. The guilt addicts are you, the reader, and I. You are the mothers, the salesmen, the church pastors, the doctors and lawyers, the people from all walks of life to whom I am pouring out my soul. You and I are the Christians who are filled with guilt all day long about something. What is guilt? Guilt is a key player in Satan's master plan of deception. As he weaves his web of guilt into our lives, we are often overcome by feelings of punishment, rejection and isolation. It is then that we are tempted to doubt the sincerity of God's forgiveness and grace. Many people do not know how to handle feelings of guilt. They become confused, frustrated and eventually give up. But God has a solution for handling guilt, and it is found within His Word. There are two forms of guilt: a true one that brings us to repentance and a false one that comes from Satan. False guilt is Satan's way of holding us back from becoming all that God has planned for us to become. His attack includes an arsenal of weapons-guilt over not meeting a parent's expectations, assuming responsibility for your parents' divorce, not pleasing your friends or not feeling accepted because you did not perform to others' standards.
Guilt can invoke in us the deepest, most terrible feelings of loss, horror, anger, depression, low self-esteem and helplessness. Why did I do what I did? Why couldn't I have done more? Did I not do enough? Did I do too much? Did I say something to hurt their feelings? Did I wait too long? In 1 John 4:18-19 it says, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us." The fact is many of us judge ourselves much too harshly over things that aren't sins. We feel overloaded with guilt for things that were simply mistakes (the classic "spilled milk") or that weren't even our fault. This false guilt does nothing to help us, but only hurts us. True guilt is when we have sinned and broken God's laws, and God can use this to bring us to repentance and renewal with God (2 Corinthians 7:10-11). Why are we guilt addicts? We fear the loss of relationships. So we end up treating the relationship as fragile and dependent on our constant compliance. We, like so many people, may feel guilty about saying no since we have been taught to go out of our way to avoid hurting people's feelings. So we end up feeling responsible for the other person's feelings as if his or her happiness depends on our agreeing. But really people are responsible for their own feelings.
It makes us feel good to be needed! We may feel flattered to be asked. It makes us feel important, but afraid that if we say no this time, we will never be asked again. I was once taught that when a door opens, if you don't go through it, it may never open again. But what if there are 100 open doors? You have to close something. These are examples of emotional hooks that can interfere with our freedom of action. Taking control of our lives! So how do we take back control of our lives without feeling guilty? How do we achieve a balance? We love helping people, but doing everything for everyone is wearing us out. What can we do to start getting some quality time back for ourselves? How do we tell family and friends that we can't do everything for them all the time? We hate saying no. Here are some steps that I hope will help you. Seek God first and His approval. God wants to forgive us. He knows your life from beginning to end and is willing to forgive it all and wipe away the true guilt that He uses to lead us to repentance. Freedom from guilt begins with repentance, forgiveness and trust. If you repent and trust Jesus Christ as your Savior, then you stand before Him forgiven. The all-sufficient, sacrificial death of Christ on the cross paid your sin debt in full.
James 1:17 says, "Every good gift and every perfect gift [including approval] is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning." Jesus Christ tells us in Matthew 6:33 to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all the things we need and desire will be ours as well. Bring each item that you feel guilty about (real or false) to God in prayer. Ask God to help you separate false guilt from the real guilt. Imagine yourself laying each sin and each feeling of guilt down at the Lord's feet. Confess any sins connected with the events. Repent and claim His sacrificial death as full payment for your sins. Realize it's OK to say no. When you are overcommitted and feeling guilty, you have to realize that saying no is not such a terrible thing to do. It's not that you don't want to help people or be there for them, but you need some control over your time. We have to realize we can't be there for everyone at all times and do everything that everyone wants us to do. This is when we have to start practicing how to say the word "no." Realize the word "no" doesn't mean you are rejecting someone else. The word "no" is used to express rejection. That's why it is so hard for some of us to say no-we don't want to reject anyone. We have to look at it as if we are not rejecting, but expressing that we can't do it right at that moment. When we are known for always being there and able to do everything for everybody, it becomes a habit for everyone to reach out to us. Let go of guilt. If it is not convenient for you to be or do something, say no. Let go of the guilt of feeling like you have to do everything for everyone else. This is what is making you say yes, when some of the time you should be saying no. Saying no to people can be handled in a very nice, but firm, way. Lighten up on yourself and realize you are human and focus more on the positives in you. Think it out clearly. Think it through when you are approached to do something. Is this something you want to do? Do you have the time to do it? If you know the answer to those questions is no, don't be afraid to say no to the people who are asking. Don't let anyone force you into doing something that you really don't want to do. By saying no, you are not forcing yourself to be in a situation you really don't want to be in. After people begin to realize that you won't always be available to do everything for everyone, you will be surprised at how people won't automatically ask you to do things for them all the time. Getting in the habit of saying no can be hard. But once you learn how and when to say no, you will start making your life less stressful. Then you will have more time and energy to really help with the greatest needs, perhaps with the widows and those who are sick. Asking God for balance will help when facing an overwhelming number of needs to be cared for. Learn more about the subject. Here are some great books to read: When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith. Don't Say Yes When You Want to Say No by Herbert Fensterheim. Your Perfect Right by Robert E. Alberti and Michael J. Emmons. Putting God first in our lives and asking for balance will give us the peace of mind we need. Understanding how marvelous and gentle our Heavenly Father is will take away guilt and give us total trust in Him. He will not throw us away. God is very long-suffering with us even when people are not. He will give us the balance to know when to say yes and when to say no. So let's relax and stop feeling guilty over everything! Copyright 2002 by United Church of God, an International Association All rights reserved. |
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