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How Can You Help? When Someone is Hurting
If you put your mind to it, you can find ways to help others in their time of need.
by Becky Sweat
Debbie was 22 when her parents died in an auto accident. "The first months after their death were terrible for me," she recalls. "Whenever I tried to talk about it with my friends, they would tell me about a sale at the mall or offer to take me out to the movies. I know they wanted to help, but what I really needed was a shoulder to cry on."
When Brads fiancé, Stephanie, called off their wedding, he was crushed. "My friends told me things like they thought Stephanie was hard to get along with and that they never really liked her," Brad explains. "They may have been trying to stick up for me, but their words only made me feel worse. I still think Stephanie is a nice person, even though things didnt work out for us."
After Ramonas mastectomy, her friends came to the hospital to cheer her up. "When I told them I was worried the cancer would spread, they acted as if I had nothing to be concerned about," Ramona says. "They made comments like, Dont worry! Youll probably live to be 100, and Plenty of people have had breast cancer and survived. They shrugged off anything I said about my illness and made me feel guilty for being scared."
Like Debbie, Brad and Ramona, we all have our bad times. A serious illness, a tragic automobile accident, the death of a family member, marital problems, financial difficulties, the loss of a joball are part of life.
During difficulties our friends need our support more than ever. But, although many automatically want to help, successfully comforting someone takes some thought. Anyone can blurt out remarks that hurt people.
Knowing what to say to a hurt friend isnt easy. Should we try to make our friend laugh, or should we bring up our own problems? Should we encourage him (or her) to talk about the situation, or should we try to pass along some good advice? In some situations we may feel so awkward that we avoid a suffering friend altogether rather than risk saying the wrong thing.
Although each crisis is different, we can respond tactfully, sincerely and appropriately. Here are some suggestions for helping a wounded friend.
Preparing to listen
Let her talk it out.
When Kathy came to work Monday morning, two of her friends greeted her at her desk.
"How was your weekend?" they asked.
Kathy burst into tears.
"My husband and I had a huge fight Friday night, and he hasnt spoken to me all weekend!"
Her friends hadnt expected such an honest reply to their question.
"It cant be that bad," one friend told her. "There are doughnuts in the kitchen. Why dont you go get one?"
"No thanks," Kathy sighed. "I guess Id better get to work."
One of the biggest mistakes you can make when a friend starts telling you bad news is to deny he said anything out of the ordinary. Let your friend talk about the problem.
Changing the subject, making jokes and coming up with why the problem isnt a problem convey to your friend theres something wrong with feeling sad or expressing sorrow. "Dont worry," "Get tough" and "Youre blowing this out of proportion" minimize the tragedy and make your friend think hes at fault.
Many people are so uncomfortable because they dont know what to do or say that they make themselves more comfortable by shutting out the other persons suffering. Rather than encouraging her to "be tough" and not to cry, your friend needs to be able to express her feelings.
If your friend says something negative after a traumatic experience, try not to let it make you nervous. Remember that he is in pain and needs to be able to talk, and at that moment that is exactly what he feels.
This doesnt mean you should never bring up encouraging scriptures, such as Romans 8:28, but dont do it without first acknowledging that your friend is going through a difficult situation.
Knowing what to listen for
Listen to understand.
The best response you can give a hurting friend is to listen in a nonjudgmental way and try to understand why she feels the way she does. In general, sufferers need to know the listener recognizes they feel sad and will support them in their sadness.
Calmly accept your friends situation for what it is and try not to deny what is happening. Responses such as "Tell me more about it," "Youve been through a lot" and "Im sorry to hear the bad news" communicate concern and acceptance.
Let your friend do most of the talking. Remember, youre not there to tell your story. When your friend is talking, give him your full attention. Watch your body language. Dont look at your watch, let your eyes wander or nod impatiently. Dont try to finish your friends sentences because you think you know what hes going to say. You could be wrong.
Choosing carefully
Dont say, "I know just how you feel."
After Carols baby died, her friends tried to comfort her. Unsure of what to say, her friend Jennifer told her, "I know its terrible to lose a baby."
"I felt like saying, How would you know? " Carol says. "Jennifer is single and busy with her career. My baby is dead. How could Jennifer possibly know what I am going through?"
Be careful not to assume you know what your friend is feeling. Remind yourself that, even if you have been through a similar experience, it isnt the particular situation your friend is going through.
Making room
Respect the other persons privacy.
Realize that some hurting people may not be ready to talk about their problem or may open up to only one or two of their closest friends. Let the sufferer call the shots. If you know someone is going through a serious trial, dont jump on him the second you see him and start prying. First, discern if its a good time to talk, and dont take it personally if the sufferer does not feel comfortable opening up to you.
Asking, "How are you doing?" or mentioning that, "if you ever need to talk, Im available," lets the sufferer know you are willing to listen if the need arises. Otherwise, you may appear pushy or like a busybody.
Dont be offended if the family of someone who is seriously ill limits the number of visitors for a while. You can still send a card or note with a message reminding the family members that they are in your thoughts and prayers.
Some people go to the extreme of respecting someones privacy by being afraid to intrude and backing off completely. Dont assume a grieving friend doesnt want to be bothered without first giving him a chance to talk. If your friend doesnt feel like talking, shell let you know. If she would like to talk, shell appreciate your being perceptive enough to notice.
Being cautiously positive
Offer realistic encouragement.
Although you want things to instantly be better for your friend, avoid making statements you dont know are true as a way of trying to be positive.
A few weeks after Kevins skiing accident, a friend told him, "Youll be skiing again in no time."
I wanted to ask, Really? How can you be so sure?" Kevin says. "My doctors told me they doubted I would ever be able to ski again. But my friend seemed to imply I could lead the same life I had before the accident if I really wanted to."
Learn to accept your friends newfound limitations after an accident or major illness. You dont have to stretch the truth to encourage. When you visit an ailing friend in the hospital, recognize that the situation does not have to be rosy or anywhere near perfect for you to be positive and upbeat. Focus on what you know is true: that you care about your friend and are pulling for him.
To say, "Ill pray for you," and mean it is enormously encouraging and will bind you to him.
Encouraging words
Dont give unsolicited advice.
What to do to solve your friends problem may seem obvious to you, but resist the temptation to give unsolicited advice. The consequence of giving advice may be that we cut off communication. Wed like to think that, if we can distract the friend by coming up with some brilliant advice, shell stop crying or thinking of her situation. Often, however, it just doesnt work that way.
Unsolicited advice can put the sufferer in an awkward position if he doesnt take your suggestion. When Mike lost his job, he received much unwanted advice.
"Usually I didnt think other peoples suggestions would work," Mike relates. "I felt like I had to defend the way I was handling my situation and didnt feel encouraged at all. Instead, Id think to myself, Whew, I made it through another interrogation."
If a friend asks for advice, it can be all right to give it if your advice comes in the form of several alternatives, rather than one specific course of action you think he should take. Rather than say, "I think this is what you should do," say, "This is what Ive done," or "This is what works for me." Let your friend make the final decision about what to do.
Taking it slowly
Be patient.
Dont get impatient with your friend if she is not over her tragedy, even though you and others may think she should be. Grieving takes times. Depending on the severity of the situation, it can take months or years to begin to recover from some tragedies. Coming to terms with the death of a marriage partner can take several years.
Fight the tendency to tell yourself things like, "If she wont help herself, theres nothing I can do." Its important to be there for our friends during their low periods, regardless of how we think they are handling their situations.
My friend, Kate, told me how she felt during the five years her husband, Randy, was battling chronic-fatigue syndrome and couldnt work:
"Although I know people meant well, they would ask me things like, When is that guy of yours going to get well and start working again? and Why doesnt Randy try a less-demanding job so he can at least get out of the house? They made us feel like there was something wrong with us. Some of our friends became uncomfortable around us and pulled away. When people avoided us, we started feeling as though we were going through our trial alone."
We shouldnt give up on people during their low periods. Remember that they need us, just as we need them when we are in times of despair.
Nobodys perfect
Know your limits.
Times may come when its just too hard to watch your friend suffer. You, too, will have difficult days during which you may not be able to listen at length. Reassure your friend that you want to help, but ask if he could wait to talk about his problem later, when youre better able to handle it.
Know when your friend needs more help than you can give. If his problem is getting worse or is starting to affect his relationship with others or hes no longer comforted by your listening to him, encourage him to seek the help of an appropriate counselor.
You may make a few mistakes along the way. No one can be expected to know what to say or how to act in every situation. Remind yourself that people involved in serious trials need loving support.
Its better to say something less than ideal while at your friends side rather than avoid him because you dont know what to say. What matters most is to have each others encouragement and not have to face difficult times alone.
When you come face to face with another persons tragedy or problem, be ready to be of help by making use of these points. We can all help those who are hurting.
© 1997-2022 United Church of God an International Association
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Keywords: suffering, support for the suffering, comfort for the suffering, encouragement for the suffering sorrow, helping those in suffering, help for the
Suffering: